I enjoyed the rant greatly. I've been struggling with poly and how to accept a new person into my existing relationship, make them feel welcome, and still have the original relationship I spent 18 years building continue to function smoothly. Not easy.
I have two kids, one with medical needs that severely limits babysitting and creates a whole host of stress. I don't ask that my SOs OSO understand and grasp what it means to be a parent, but I question if she understands how much of what appears to be 'us' time as a husband/wife couple is actually dedicated to kids. It's not that I don't think she understands that the kids come first. But I do believe that if my husband has to cancel dates because of kids she will rapidly stop being understanding and start being hurt. Which puts extra stress on me to provide the time and space for he and she to get together, regardless of my health and the kids' health.
I don't put rules and limitations of their time together, *they* do that themselves as part of their negotiation. So no, I don't think you were talking about my relationship in particular. But she calls herself secondary. Not because she is afforded less respect, but because she knows she will never be a live in partner and she herself has responsibilities outside of her and my husbands' relationship that take priority. Does that demean their relationship? I don't think so.
The only problem I have is people who, in coming into a new relationship, want rights and privileges that have usually take months or years to build. Some want to dive right in a be part of the family structure. I take forever to get comfortable with new people. No disrespect to a new sweetie, but I want to wait until I know that the relationship is going to work between her and my husband before I invest time and caring. I want to get a better feel for who the person is before I become good friends. It doesn't mean I limit their time together, but I find it does bother me when a new sweetie expects (and occasionally demands) that we become one big happy family and she's accepted into the household as a new best friend. NRE does not translate across spousal bonds.
I'm respectful of a new relationship. I'm respectful toward a person who has a part of my husband's heart. I may not be the sort of person you are referring to in your rant, but there are many new 'secondaries' who expect to plug right in to an existing relationship without doing much work and wail and complain that they are not being treated equally or well. I wonder what you would say to those people.
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My two cents
Date: 3/8/10 03:14 pm (UTC)From: (Anonymous)I enjoyed the rant greatly. I've been struggling with poly and how to accept a new person into my existing relationship, make them feel welcome, and still have the original relationship I spent 18 years building continue to function smoothly. Not easy.
I have two kids, one with medical needs that severely limits babysitting and creates a whole host of stress. I don't ask that my SOs OSO understand and grasp what it means to be a parent, but I question if she understands how much of what appears to be 'us' time as a husband/wife couple is actually dedicated to kids. It's not that I don't think she understands that the kids come first. But I do believe that if my husband has to cancel dates because of kids she will rapidly stop being understanding and start being hurt. Which puts extra stress on me to provide the time and space for he and she to get together, regardless of my health and the kids' health.
I don't put rules and limitations of their time together, *they* do that themselves as part of their negotiation. So no, I don't think you were talking about my relationship in particular. But she calls herself secondary. Not because she is afforded less respect, but because she knows she will never be a live in partner and she herself has responsibilities outside of her and my husbands' relationship that take priority. Does that demean their relationship? I don't think so.
The only problem I have is people who, in coming into a new relationship, want rights and privileges that have usually take months or years to build. Some want to dive right in a be part of the family structure. I take forever to get comfortable with new people. No disrespect to a new sweetie, but I want to wait until I know that the relationship is going to work between her and my husband before I invest time and caring. I want to get a better feel for who the person is before I become good friends. It doesn't mean I limit their time together, but I find it does bother me when a new sweetie expects (and occasionally demands) that we become one big happy family and she's accepted into the household as a new best friend. NRE does not translate across spousal bonds.
I'm respectful of a new relationship. I'm respectful toward a person who has a part of my husband's heart. I may not be the sort of person you are referring to in your rant, but there are many new 'secondaries' who expect to plug right in to an existing relationship without doing much work and wail and complain that they are not being treated equally or well. I wonder what you would say to those people.