Y'know what? I complain a lot about the conservatism in my local dance scene. I complain about not being able to develop strong connections to anyone because of their political values, their anti-science beliefs, and their religiosity. But after reading some of the comments on the post that I made on my timeline and in a couple of groups, asking for inclusivity suggestions, I feel the need to express some gratitude towards my local dance communities.
In those dance circles that I frequent, we have the following values that I appreciate:
Yes, the dance scene is quite heavily gendered by default, but when people *do* take the non-conforming role, the community typically accepts it and often embraces it. Women and people presenting as women are more likely to take lead roles in the Ballroom and Latin scenes, while all genders can be seen switching roles in the Lindy Hop and Blues dance scenes. The Lindy Hop scene also trends towards a younger and more liberal demographic.
I have not witnessed any ageism or fat-shaming. This does not mean that it doesn't exist, but it does mean that it's not a common occurrence. I would believe anyone who said they did experience either in my communities, but the people I talk to about it don't seem to have experienced it. People of all shapes, sizes, and ages are welcomed at these dance events, get asked to dance often (regardless of gender), and are active participants in the communities.
In my local communities, dance is seen as a social activity and a "community", so the general cultural attitude is that we want everyone to dance and we want everyone to have a good time. To that effect, experienced dancers of either role, and leads of all experience levels, feel that it is their happy duty to go around the room and invite anyone to dance that they see isn't dancing.
Ballroom dance events have a convention called a "mixer" especially for this. Because of the gendering in the dance community and also the gender roles in the culture at large that discourages men from exploring or expressing an interest in learning how to dance (thanks toxic masculinity), dance events are usually 2/3 women and 1/3 men (-presenting people).
So ballroom dance events have at least 2 points in the event where a medley of the same tempo songs are played in a row, the follows (because follows are usually women, and the women outnumber the men) line up along one wall, and the less numerous leads line up across from them. The first lead in line takes the first follow in line, dances her around the floor once and drops her off at the end of the line, and then moves up to take the next available follow for her turn around the floor. This way, everyone gets to dance, if they want to.
This is also a good way to be introduced to other people in the complimentary role if you're new. Now that they've had a chance to dance with you, they know who you are and what your skill level is (and vice versa), and that relieves some of the anxiety about asking someone to dance later.
The communities encourage more advanced dancers to see dancing with newbies as an opportunity, not a punishment or a chore. We take delight in giving newbie dancers more chances to practice because that brings more *advanced* dancers into the fold later as they improve. I'm *thrilled* to do the same 3 steps over and over again with a newbie if it means that they will develop more confidence and keep coming back.
My dance communities, because of that whole "community" and "social activity" thing, also see dating within the community as ... challenging. Nobody thinks you should NOT date another dancer, of course. But pretty much everyone looks on the dance events as meat-market-free-zones. Dances are not the place to hit on people. They are not the place to find partners.
They're like poly discussion meetings in that respect - when you spend enough time with someone at a social event, you might eventually develop a friendship out of that space, and that friendship may eventually lead to a romantic relationship. But the event is for dancing, not hooking up, not flirting, not hitting on people, not propositioning people. People frown on those who hit on other dancers in the scenes.
And because social dancing is a social activity, people also frown on excessive displays of jealousy in the scene. Some people arrive as a couple and only dance with each other. It's allowed, but it's kind of side-eyed. Because of that above-mentioned cultural value of making sure everyone is having a good time (which means everyone is dancing as much as they want to), and because of the gendering of roles and the gender disparity, my dance communities see it as sort of rude to monopolize one person's time when you could be out there sharing your love of dance with everyone.
They don't go too far by insisting that people dance with anyone they don't want to, but having jealousy and not wanting your partner to dance with others is kind of a cultural no-no. When someone in the dance scene gets a non-dancing partner, and the dancer starts to drop off the scene because their partner doesn't dance and they won't or can't dance without them, that couple is usually murmured about. The dancers in my local community see it as healthy for couples to have separate interests, or, if they share the interests, to still be able to do the interest as an individual person, even with other people.
One of the things I liked about my local dance communities, is that when my FB status changed and people found out that I had gotten legally married, not a single person changed how they treated me. Nobody asked me if my husband would "mind" if they asked me to dance, nobody changed their dance style to a more formal, stiff, polite, or distant style, nothing like that. People asked where he was and if he danced, but nobody suddenly got cautious around me or treated me as if I was off-limits.
In my local dance scenes, people are also usually very good about rejections. I can say "not right now" or "no thanks" and they just nod and move on. I'm never afraid of a bad reaction because I've never been given one in my scenes. Everyone sees it as a sign of immaturity and the men in particular are disapproving of people who can't handle rejection gracefully. And the women talk to each other.
Women and/or follows are also encouraged to ask people to dance, so they don't have to simply sit around waiting and hoping for someone to ask them. This is not one of my strengths. I still prefer to be asked than to do the asking, but once I've developed a good dancing relationship with someone, I am more likely to ask them as often as they ask me. There are no gendered rules about who asks whom, for as gendered as the rest of the social conventions are.
So my local dance communities are not perfect. There are still a lot of things that I'd like to see improve. I'd like to see more gender-neutral language (switching back and forth between lead/follow and men/women is still too common), I'd like to see more POC (there are a few, but more Latinx and Asians than black people), I'd like to have more people who share my politics so that I could develop off-the-floor relationships with people, etc.
But not respecting consent, body-shaming, not accepting role-switching, and using the dance scene as a pickup spot are some of the more egregious violations in the dance world that my local dance communities do not support. Not that these things never happen, but they are not supported by my communities. And I have to give them props for that.
For the record, when I teach my lead & follow communication workshop and when I give general dance lessons, I do my best to avoid or reduce all the other complaints as well. So if you ever wanted to learn how to dance, find me at a conference somewhere (or bring me out to your local conferences or communities!) and I will be happy to give some instruction. I don't even have to be at an event for the purpose of teaching dance - I'll teach dance anywhere, any time someone wants to learn.
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https://theestablishment.co/a-womans-orgasm-shouldn-t-be-the-goal-of-sex-b0c15cc38c03
