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Boundaries Vs. Rules
Jan. 14th, 2015 09:19 pmI posted this on my FB page, and it was an off-the-cuff sort of thing in the heat of a moment of irritation at remembering past relationships. I wasn't expecting it to be as popular as it got. But I'm getting requests left and right to share it in other groups, so I guess I hit a nerve with some people. Since it seems to mean a lot to some people, I figure I ought to post it somewhere just a little easier to re-find than FB. It'll probably end up on my website sooner or later. Maybe I'll meme it or something.
Rules-based: "There's something that I want to do but it makes me feel icky to think of you doing it, so I'm going to institute a structure in which I get what I want but you don't get the same thing, and somehow rationalize it away as 'fair' using any number of pop psych / evo-psych terms or logical fallacies or other forms of mental gymnastics."
Rules-based: "There's something that I want to do but it makes me feel icky to think of you doing it, so I'm going to magnanimously sacrifice my desire so that you can't do it either, and that way I never have to face the underlying issue about why it's OK for me to want it but not OK for you to do it. If we both can't do it, then it's 'fair'."
Rules-based: "There is something that makes me feel icky to think of you doing and something else that makes you feel icky to think of me doing it. So I'm going to agree to not doing the thing that makes you feel icky in order to trade on that to make you agree to not do the thing that makes me feel icky. That way we both give up something to make the other feel better so that neither of us have to face the underlying issues regarding controlling another person's behaviour in order to avoid feeling icky and it's totally fair because it's an agreement and if you ever do the thing I don't like then I will do the thing you don't like and then we'll be even again."
Boundary-based: "There's something that I want to do but it bothers me to think of you doing it. I am completely aware that this is a double standard and there is no rational reason for it. This doesn't mean that you can't do it, but it does mean that I will probably have a freak-out if you do, and I'd like to ask for your help and support to get through it so that you have the freedom to make choices about your life and I still feel nurtured when I hit an insecurity."
Rules-based Masquerading As Boundary-based: "There's something that I want to do but it makes me feel icky to think of you doing it, so I'm going to grudgingly allow you to do it and use my reaction as a weapon every time you do, so that you will begin to make choices based on *my* insecurities and you'll think that it's 'fair' because your sacrifice will be by 'choice'. You don't want to *hurt* me, right?"
Option #1 - e.g. One Penis Policy (but she only WANTS women, so there's nothing wrong with making a RULE about it!)
Option #2 - the Relationship Martyr
Option #3 - Relationship By Hostage Situation
Option #5 - You Keep Using That Word "Boundary"; I Don't Think It Means What You Think It Means.
Rules-based: "There's something that I want to do but it makes me feel icky to think of you doing it, so I'm going to institute a structure in which I get what I want but you don't get the same thing, and somehow rationalize it away as 'fair' using any number of pop psych / evo-psych terms or logical fallacies or other forms of mental gymnastics."
Rules-based: "There's something that I want to do but it makes me feel icky to think of you doing it, so I'm going to magnanimously sacrifice my desire so that you can't do it either, and that way I never have to face the underlying issue about why it's OK for me to want it but not OK for you to do it. If we both can't do it, then it's 'fair'."
Rules-based: "There is something that makes me feel icky to think of you doing and something else that makes you feel icky to think of me doing it. So I'm going to agree to not doing the thing that makes you feel icky in order to trade on that to make you agree to not do the thing that makes me feel icky. That way we both give up something to make the other feel better so that neither of us have to face the underlying issues regarding controlling another person's behaviour in order to avoid feeling icky and it's totally fair because it's an agreement and if you ever do the thing I don't like then I will do the thing you don't like and then we'll be even again."
Boundary-based: "There's something that I want to do but it bothers me to think of you doing it. I am completely aware that this is a double standard and there is no rational reason for it. This doesn't mean that you can't do it, but it does mean that I will probably have a freak-out if you do, and I'd like to ask for your help and support to get through it so that you have the freedom to make choices about your life and I still feel nurtured when I hit an insecurity."
Rules-based Masquerading As Boundary-based: "There's something that I want to do but it makes me feel icky to think of you doing it, so I'm going to grudgingly allow you to do it and use my reaction as a weapon every time you do, so that you will begin to make choices based on *my* insecurities and you'll think that it's 'fair' because your sacrifice will be by 'choice'. You don't want to *hurt* me, right?"
Option #1 - e.g. One Penis Policy (but she only WANTS women, so there's nothing wrong with making a RULE about it!)
Option #2 - the Relationship Martyr
Option #3 - Relationship By Hostage Situation
Option #5 - You Keep Using That Word "Boundary"; I Don't Think It Means What You Think It Means.
