Would You Keep Your Own Bedroom?

I have a question for all poly people who are pair-bonded. The poll wizard limits me to characters, so let me explain what I'm looking for before you get to it.  There is no "right" or "wrong" answers, I am genuinely interested to hear how other people view their relationships.  You're welcome to explain further or ask questions in the comments.

For the purposes of this question, "pair-bonded" means one or more of the following:

• Having an intense/deep emotional connection to someone that includes feeling like part of a "couple".
• Sharing dwelling space with another person
• Mixing finances with another person
• Committed to childrearing with the other parent
• Legally or religiously married to another person
• Uses the term "primary" to describe a relationship

If you have more than one person with whom you are pair-bonded, or you are in a bonded family structure (e.g. a live-in triad), this also applies to you, even though I am using terminology for a MF couple from the perspective of the female.  Just replace the pronouns with the appropriate pronouns, because it's time-consuming and cumbersome to try and cover all possible gender & orientation configurations, so I'm going to use the most common ones for simplicity only.

I would like to stick with people who have someone in mind for this question, because it is impossible to tell what our future relationships will look like, even though some of us think we know what we want it to look like.  So I want to stick with people who have a pair-bonded partner and who will have to think of how this scenario would affect their existing living arrangements and habits.  I see a lot of people who come to polyamory as part of a pre-existing couple, usually monogamous or swingers, and I am curious as to how that affects a couple that already has habits or patterns of being "a couple" when it comes to multi-partner living arrangements.  That's not the question, that's why I'm asking partnered people the question below.  Since our culture is not really set up for communal living arrangements, many poly families don't have the option - they get as many bedrooms as they can afford, or they deal with the "other couple" living across town because that's where everyone bought their houses before getting into a relationship or because they can't afford a house big enough for everyone.  But I'd like to know what people would *prefer* in an ideal world.

So, to all poly people who are currently pair-bonded to someone but would like some sort of communal living situation, here's the question:

Let's say you had the ability to build your dream poly house, and money, size, and location were no object - you won the Supermegacolossalginormous World Lottery and, after taxes, still gave you enough left over to live wherever you wanted to live.  Every room you ever wanted in a house will be there.  This could be a communal house, an apartment-style complex, or a collection of private bungalows scattered about the property - whatever your personal dream-poly living situation is so long as there are some communal spaces (otherwise, it's not a communal house).  There is also a massive bedroom with a massive custom bed specifically for the purpose of group sleeping/whatever.  This room belongs to no individual, and anyone from the household can sleep there with the intention of sharing sleeping space with anyone/everyone else in the household.

You also have the option to include a bedroom suite for every adult in the house.  A bedroom "suite" is big enough for a private bathroom, a large bed, a living room area, and a mini kitchen, sort of like an extended-stay hotel room, but comfortably sized & personally furnished (if going with the individual bungalow setup, then every adult gets their own full-sized bungalow).  Each adult can sleep in his own room if they do not want to sleep in the group bedroom, if they want to share "private time" with certain other partners, or whatever else they choose to use their room for.

The question is, as someone who is pair-bonded to another person, would you utilize your own personal bedroom?

• Yes.  Even though I have a pair-bonded relationship, I can see the need for a personal bedroom for some "alone time", to entertain guests without imposing on the rest of the household or the shared rooms, for "private time" with a partner who is not my pair-bonded partner in a way that does not kick my pair-bonded partner out of space he also considers "his", to have somewhere to go without feeling trapped or "kicked out" if he wants to use his space without me, or just to have space to spread out and do my own thing that others might not share or be interested in.  It does not matter how often I sleep in my own room, or even if I never do, but I want some space that belongs to me.


• Yes, but we enjoy sleeping together and/or we have an arrangement to always sleep together.  Since every adult gets their own room, this would give us, as a couple, two rooms to share, one of which could be designated as "ours", which is a special place just for us, and the other could be "the room where we can be without the other person", such as having "private time" with another partner.


• Possibly.  I enjoy sleeping with my pair-bonded partner and/or we have an agreement to always sleep together, so I can't see ever sleeping in my own bedroom, but I could use the space for other purposes, particularly if I ever want some "private time" with a partner who is not my pair-bonded partner but I don't want to kick him out of space he also considers "his" or "ours".  In this case, I would share his space & use mine for non-sleeping or non-pair-bonded-partner activities.  Since each adult gets their own, and I would be sharing his, he would not have his own personal space but I would.  Maybe we're mono/poly and he's the mono one or maybe he just doesn't want his own personal space.


• No.  I enjoy sleeping with my pair-bonded partner and/or we have an agreement to always sleep together, so I can't see ever sleeping in my own bedroom and I have no other needs for personal space without him, especially if every room I've ever wanted in a house was in this house.  He can share my bedroom and it will become "ours", and he can keep his own bedroom if he wants to do non-sleeping or non-pair-bonded-partner activities so that I am not kicked out of my own room.


• No.  We are pair-bonded and we always sleep together.  We prefer to have an "our room", not "his and hers rooms" - that's part of what being pair-bonded means to us.  We do not need any separate space from each other for any reason, and if we ever do decide to have "private time" with other partners, we can go to their personal rooms, leaving our room just for us.  Anyone else in the house can have personal rooms if they want, but my partner and I give up our personal rooms in favor of sharing a single suite.

Would you use/be interested in a personal bedroom even while partnered?

Yes, both of us can have our own space

Yes, but both rooms will be shared

Possibly, I'll just share his room & never sleep in mine. He won't have his own

No, but he can keep his own room, mine will become "ours"

No, we will share a room and have no "personal" rooms

myspace layouts

REALLY Long and Rambly Thoughts On Communication Conflicts

 Very recently, I flew off the handle with little provocation because someone managed to hit 2 of my buttons at once and, when I said they were sore spots, kept pushing his position.  I recognize that I'm unusually touchy about these issues, so it's really better just to let the matter lie if you have nothing invested in the outcome (like a stranger on the internet).  He has since blocked me so I can't even tell him about this post or that I'm sorry for my overreaction (although I do stand firm on my position - I didn't need to get so bitchy about it, I could have let the subject drop).  Not only were these 2 issues I'm particularly sensitive about that got pushed at the exact same time, they came about when I was already pissed about something else, AND when I had to deal with these exact same issues with other people in unrelated disagreements in the very recent past and was still sore about THOSE encounters.

And the reason I'm making this post is actually because both of these issues are communication problems that I see happening around me all the time, with all sorts of people.  Namely, that there are 2 kinds of people - those who do this thing that's annoying to others, and those who have to deal with the people doing this thing that's annoying to others.  

As one of the people who does those things that are annoying to others that I'm about to mention, I thought it might be beneficial to address those people who do those things that are annoying to others to explain why it's annoying and what you (we) can do on your (our) part to avoid these kinds of conflicts with your loved ones in the future.  Even as the person writing this post, I am certainly not exempt from making these same mistakes myself, so I think it bears mentioning.

As I said, there are 2 issues that are unrelated, they just happened to crop up in the same disagreement, although they do have a common element.  They are "people who have embraced a particular product/service and want the rest of the world to benefit as they have" and "people who want to help others and therefore try to fix things when others are struggling".  Both issues are people trying to be helpful, but who are not getting the message that they are not being helpful.

One at a time...

( The Fanboys )

So, by all means, share with your friends and family your wisdom and expertise, but if your position has been rejected, and if you value your relationship with that person, just let it go.

This is, of course, not applicable to people who are actually harming themselves.  I'm in favor of continued attempts to get people to stop smoking or to visit a doctor instead of a homeopath, but you do have to accept that continued pushing on these kinds of subjects carries with it a high risk of damaging the relationship - one which I assume means something to you or you wouldn't keep trying to convince the other person of something you think is good for them.

Now, for the other category.  Yes, I realize this post is already long and no, I'm not done yet.  

( The Fixers )

If someone did not explicitly ask for your opinion or advice on how to fix whatever their problem is, get in the habit of asking them first if they would welcome your suggestion.  If you forget and offer anyway, then when they get pissed off, even if they're being unreasonable or disproportionately angry, apologize for offering the help - don't keep insisting that your advice ought to be taken.  Again, the same tactic as above applies here.  Offer it once, and if they don't want to hear it, then let it go.  If they're being particularly unreasonable, walk away and find your own person to complain to who will listen to what you have to say about that horrible bitch who jumped down your throat for no reason at all when you were just trying to be helpful, and you can then explain to *that* person why you don't need advice on how to manage your relationships, you just wanted to vent a little.