A Clue For The Clueless

Someone who is completely clueless about polyamory decided to call a poly person a predator simply because he (oh no!) approached her on a DATING site.  Poor judgement, maybe, a predator?  Not by this evidence alone.

Now, I understand that the poly lifestyle is not for everyone.  Hell, I try to advise people against it because, frankly, very few people currently have the emotional stability, self-awareness, or self-security to pull it off.  Poly people as a group are not automatically "enlightened", have not conquered jealousy, and certainly have not, as a group, managed to eliminate the drama that we polyamorists shake our heads at when we see it in the mono world.

But I draw the line at being called an online predator.

Now, to be completely fair, she didn't call *me* a predator, nor did she say all polyamorists are.  But this very misinformed person got an email from someone online who is outwardly polyamorous.  Her response was to post about it in her journal with the preface that he was an online predator.

I don't know this guy, but she posted his email, so it's not really a case of he-said/she-said.  Perhaps he was misguided in contacting a woman who did not have any pro-poly language in her profile.  But from his very brief introduction, I'd hardly call him a "predator". 

I wouldn't really care, except that she's lumping his polyamory in with her accusation and *that* I take personal exception to.  Anyone else want to send her a little learnin'?

http://www.okcupid.com/profile/Meg_35/journal/2963316652640852446/PIG-EXPOSED!!-

PIG EXPOSED!! | Apr 14

I got this email from what I call an "online preditor" be very careful.. and be suspicious.


My situation is: - and I want you to really do this:

Go to wikipedia and look up the word "Polyamorous". You may think you may know what it means.. but please just look it up.

I am married, with 2 boys. The wife has a boyfriend - a very close friend of mine. They've engaged in .. basically everything a boyfriend/girlfriend can engage in, including feelings, emotions, trust, respect, .. and sex. ;-)
I'm / we're looking for a girlfriend for ME. Something long term. Again, it can go as far as having emotions, feelings (etc) up to and including the L word.

Still interested?

(Can you believe this joker?) his profile name is "Jonmclovin" in North Port, Florida

Comments:

A few thoughts/comments: 1.I went and looked up "polyamorous" as instructed and it was what I thought it meant. lol Maybe it is my extensive use of Latin in music? I don't know. 2.The middle section is a message sent you to correct? At first I didn't read it as such and I thought, "Whoa! Either she doesn't know what the hell she is saying or she needs to brush up on her grammar." 3.You said "yes" right...right?! :-P

Kylan_Blake: 25M | straight | Long Beach, California, United States
Apr 14 - 62% match, 59% friend, 30% enemy

I was so freaked about it I didn't post it very clearly.. I edited it so re read and let me know what you think.

Meg_35: 36F | straight | Fort Myers, Florida, United States
Apr 15 - 50% match, 46% friend, 41% enemy

First of all, this guy was probably not at his smartest when he contacted you, since you so clearly are not romantically compatible with him.

However, I do take personal offense at his being called a "predator" in conjunction with his polyamory.

Polyamory is not for everyone, but that doesn't mean that those who do practice it are predators. You're on a dating site. That means people contact you for potential romantic connections. He should have read your profile more thoroughly before contacting you to see that it would be a waste of his time, but a person using a dating site to ... gasp ... approach people is hardly a predator.

Polyamory, as I said, is not for everyone. But it does require that everyone involved honestly and openly consent to the arrangement. By definition, he cannot be a predator because he cannot take advantage of someone in a situation where the person he's trying to take advantage of has to consent, and so does his wife and her boyfriend and the potential partner's other partners.

While it's certainly not impossible to have slimeballs in the poly community, just as it's possible to have slimeballs in the monogamous community, polyamory makes it very difficult for these kinds of people to find much prey. In a culture that encourages open communication with everyone involved, if you're not ethical in your treatment of your partners, your reputation will soon precede you and you won't find willing partners no matter where you look.

As a polyamorous woman, I would appreciate if you kept your insults to the individual intended, rather than implicate an entire community of people, of whom you apparently have no understanding of, or firsthand knowledge of.

For more information of what polyamory is, a better site than wikipedia is http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html and http://www.theinnbetween.net/poly1.html and http://www.serolynne.com

Joreth: 31F | straight | Orlando, Florida, United States

Swingtown

And don't forget, the third episode of Swingtown is tonight on CBS.