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She Can Have You
Mar. 19th, 2008 08:22 pmIn keeping with my previous post about "poly" themes in mono society:
This happens in poly relationships too. The term for this is "cowboy", where a non-poly person comes along and tries to cut someone out of the poly herd. The new person may actually love the mutual partner but want to be mono with them (probably pretending to be poly while subtly and/or passive-aggressively causing strain with the other relationships), or the new person may view this as a conquest and have no real emotional connection to the target. But poly or mono, it is reasonable for Jo Dee to choose to leave a relationship where another woman has no respect for their relationship and the boyfriend doesn't appear to care or realize how damaging this lack of respect is to their relationship.
In the lyrics, there is no indication that Jo Dee is telling her boyfriend what he can and can't do. She is not trying to control him. She is telling him what she sees this girl doing, but she never says anything like "If you go near her again, I'll cut your balls off", nor does she confront the girl to tell her to "stay away from my man". First of all, it takes 2 to "cheat" and I think it's utterly ridiculous to confront the "other woman" because she can't do anything your boyfriend doesn't let her do - if he wants to cheat, he will cheat and warning off this girl won't stop him. Second, remaining in a relationship out of fear of punishment if is not a good reason to remain in that relationship. Telling your partner he must remain faithful or else only means that, if he stays, it's because he's more afraid of the punishment - it doesn't mean he stays because he loves you.
This whole song is not about control and it's not about insecurity. It's about a woman who loves her partner and sees him making choices that she feels are destructive. When you care about someone, you don't want them to make destructive decisions, no matter what those decisions are. Just as a loving partner might try to talk someone out of driving drunk or cussing out their boss, it is also reasonable for a loving poly partner to try and show her partner when he is making what she believes to be a bad choice in other partners. She tries to communicate to him her concern and he chooses not to heed her position, so she chooses to absent herself from a situation that is making *her* unhappy. And I approve this message.
Watching your loved one make choices that you believe to be destructive to his or her life is hard, whether those choices actively affect you or not. Seeing another person misrepresent themselves to your partner and watching your partner fall for it is hurtful. It can be hard to tell your partner that you don't approve of their choices, even if you have a perfectly logical and reasonable reason for not approving. And there's only so much you can do to make your partner see what they may be too close to recognize on their own. And in the end, you may never get them to see the situation as you do and sometimes you just have to walk away. And that hurts.
But that's one of the consequences to relationships - poly and mono.
You and me we had a pretty good thing
We were makin' plans, we were planning our dreams
Then you had to go and let her back in
Boy, you oughtta know that's where the trouble begins
She don't love you, she's just pullin' your chain
Don't you know you're like her puppet-on-a-string
Chorus
(Now she's) walkin' around, talk of the town
She just can't shut up
Oh, she's out there and she's a'havin' her fun
Spendin' her time wastin' mine
Provin' that she has you
Well, the truth is she don't have to
She can have you, I'm done
She's the kinda girl that's a'good-for-nothin'
Leaves a path of destruction everywhere that she goes
What you see in her, well I'll never know
She's the kinda trash you find beside o' the road
She don't love you, she's just messin' your mind
And you snap back, no slack, right back to her every time
Oh, 'ya had to scratch that itch
You deserve what you get
Yeah, you and that...
There are 2 major points I want to make about this song. The first is that, although I'm all in favor of positive poly-themed messages in various forms of entertainment for the education of the mainstream, I also like to see and hear art forms express the difficulties we face being polyamorous. As an activist, I heartily promote postive messages. And also as an activist, I like to see any form of media whose mainstream characters can be applied to poly situations simply by not mentioning the actual relationship connection of the characters involved, to further bridge the two worlds that I see as not really being two separate worlds. But as a polyamorist, I like to listen to music and watch movies that I can empathize with and connect with, especially during the tough times, but that doesn't always make for good Poly PR.
I like that this is a song that can be applied to a tough situation that many of us poly folk have been in. What few poly songs there are, they just don't have that thing that makes a good pop song. Maybe it's the lyrics, maybe it's the production quality, maybe it's the voice of the singer, whatever it is, they don't have it and that means most of America will never hear them. The poly songs just don't *speak* to me. I like them because they're poly songs, but if it weren't for the content, I really wouldn't like most of them. So I like finding songs that I like listening to *and* I like the content. That's very rare, especially when it comes to relationship songs. And I like finding songs that a lot of people (maybe not any of my friends, who seem to loathe country music) also like to listen to. I can use those songs and movies as a springboard to discuss polyamory and as a tool to show our similarities in my activist struggles.
The second is that, again, here is a situation in mainstream culture that so closely resembles a situation in poly culture as to be nearly indistinguishable, which only tells me that these issues are not poly issues, they're human issues.
OK, yes, this is a pop-country song, so we are pretty safe in assuming she's talking about her guy dallying with another woman against what she feels is the structure of their relationship agreements. But this can very easily be a conversation heard in poly circles too. Being poly doesn't mean that we all get to screw around with whomever we want with no thought to our existing partners or even no care about what our partners are doing. Many times truly poly people find themselves in a situation where their partner is involved with someone that the existing partner feels is unsuitable for plenty of valid reasons that are not necessarily related to jealousy or other insecurities. So, what do we do when our partners take up with a destructive new person? Well, some of us have veto rules in place where we can dissolve our partners' other relationships for them.
Others of us prefer to have consequence-based relationships. The outcome may still be the same (the shared partner loses his new partner), but the mindset behind them is different. In a rules-based relationship with veto power, each partner wields control over another human being. Yes, I get that the control is voluntarily given to that partner. But it doesn't change the fact that someone else believes they have the ability to control someone else. The problem I have with this method is that it's an illusion. You can exert your "control" and tell your partner that he can't date this other girl, but in the end, that control depends upon your partner's willingness to let you. And when your partner's relationship is ended because someone else said so, that can poison the original relationship these rules were designed to protect.
In a consequence-based relationship, we acknowledge that our actions have consequences and we have to take responsibility for our own actions. We have to acknowledge that, if we take a new partner that our existing partner finds unsuitable, our existing partner may choose to leave. So we have to decide, if it comes down to that, is it more important to us to have a life that includes the existing partner, or is the new partner worth the loss of the existing relationship? Then, we will probably still be hurt at the loss of the new relationship, but at least that loss was a choice we made ourselves because the alternative was less appealing.
In the case of this song, Jo Dee has a boyfriend who has a history with another woman. This other woman has, apparently, a history of treating her boyfriend poorly. Jo Dee doesn't want her boyfriend's ex to come around, insinuating that he and the ex have a "thing" and trying to damage their current relationship, but the boyfriend, for some reason, tolerates this behaviour and Jo Dee has had enough. She chooses to leave.
I like that this is a song that can be applied to a tough situation that many of us poly folk have been in. What few poly songs there are, they just don't have that thing that makes a good pop song. Maybe it's the lyrics, maybe it's the production quality, maybe it's the voice of the singer, whatever it is, they don't have it and that means most of America will never hear them. The poly songs just don't *speak* to me. I like them because they're poly songs, but if it weren't for the content, I really wouldn't like most of them. So I like finding songs that I like listening to *and* I like the content. That's very rare, especially when it comes to relationship songs. And I like finding songs that a lot of people (maybe not any of my friends, who seem to loathe country music) also like to listen to. I can use those songs and movies as a springboard to discuss polyamory and as a tool to show our similarities in my activist struggles.
The second is that, again, here is a situation in mainstream culture that so closely resembles a situation in poly culture as to be nearly indistinguishable, which only tells me that these issues are not poly issues, they're human issues.
OK, yes, this is a pop-country song, so we are pretty safe in assuming she's talking about her guy dallying with another woman against what she feels is the structure of their relationship agreements. But this can very easily be a conversation heard in poly circles too. Being poly doesn't mean that we all get to screw around with whomever we want with no thought to our existing partners or even no care about what our partners are doing. Many times truly poly people find themselves in a situation where their partner is involved with someone that the existing partner feels is unsuitable for plenty of valid reasons that are not necessarily related to jealousy or other insecurities. So, what do we do when our partners take up with a destructive new person? Well, some of us have veto rules in place where we can dissolve our partners' other relationships for them.
Others of us prefer to have consequence-based relationships. The outcome may still be the same (the shared partner loses his new partner), but the mindset behind them is different. In a rules-based relationship with veto power, each partner wields control over another human being. Yes, I get that the control is voluntarily given to that partner. But it doesn't change the fact that someone else believes they have the ability to control someone else. The problem I have with this method is that it's an illusion. You can exert your "control" and tell your partner that he can't date this other girl, but in the end, that control depends upon your partner's willingness to let you. And when your partner's relationship is ended because someone else said so, that can poison the original relationship these rules were designed to protect.
In a consequence-based relationship, we acknowledge that our actions have consequences and we have to take responsibility for our own actions. We have to acknowledge that, if we take a new partner that our existing partner finds unsuitable, our existing partner may choose to leave. So we have to decide, if it comes down to that, is it more important to us to have a life that includes the existing partner, or is the new partner worth the loss of the existing relationship? Then, we will probably still be hurt at the loss of the new relationship, but at least that loss was a choice we made ourselves because the alternative was less appealing.
In the case of this song, Jo Dee has a boyfriend who has a history with another woman. This other woman has, apparently, a history of treating her boyfriend poorly. Jo Dee doesn't want her boyfriend's ex to come around, insinuating that he and the ex have a "thing" and trying to damage their current relationship, but the boyfriend, for some reason, tolerates this behaviour and Jo Dee has had enough. She chooses to leave.
This happens in poly relationships too. The term for this is "cowboy", where a non-poly person comes along and tries to cut someone out of the poly herd. The new person may actually love the mutual partner but want to be mono with them (probably pretending to be poly while subtly and/or passive-aggressively causing strain with the other relationships), or the new person may view this as a conquest and have no real emotional connection to the target. But poly or mono, it is reasonable for Jo Dee to choose to leave a relationship where another woman has no respect for their relationship and the boyfriend doesn't appear to care or realize how damaging this lack of respect is to their relationship.
In the lyrics, there is no indication that Jo Dee is telling her boyfriend what he can and can't do. She is not trying to control him. She is telling him what she sees this girl doing, but she never says anything like "If you go near her again, I'll cut your balls off", nor does she confront the girl to tell her to "stay away from my man". First of all, it takes 2 to "cheat" and I think it's utterly ridiculous to confront the "other woman" because she can't do anything your boyfriend doesn't let her do - if he wants to cheat, he will cheat and warning off this girl won't stop him. Second, remaining in a relationship out of fear of punishment if is not a good reason to remain in that relationship. Telling your partner he must remain faithful or else only means that, if he stays, it's because he's more afraid of the punishment - it doesn't mean he stays because he loves you.
This whole song is not about control and it's not about insecurity. It's about a woman who loves her partner and sees him making choices that she feels are destructive. When you care about someone, you don't want them to make destructive decisions, no matter what those decisions are. Just as a loving partner might try to talk someone out of driving drunk or cussing out their boss, it is also reasonable for a loving poly partner to try and show her partner when he is making what she believes to be a bad choice in other partners. She tries to communicate to him her concern and he chooses not to heed her position, so she chooses to absent herself from a situation that is making *her* unhappy. And I approve this message.
Watching your loved one make choices that you believe to be destructive to his or her life is hard, whether those choices actively affect you or not. Seeing another person misrepresent themselves to your partner and watching your partner fall for it is hurtful. It can be hard to tell your partner that you don't approve of their choices, even if you have a perfectly logical and reasonable reason for not approving. And there's only so much you can do to make your partner see what they may be too close to recognize on their own. And in the end, you may never get them to see the situation as you do and sometimes you just have to walk away. And that hurts.
But that's one of the consequences to relationships - poly and mono.
