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Women As The Gatekeeper
Dec. 14th, 2007 12:57 am Now, I'm tired, so I will probably have to revisit this and rewrite it sometime later, but if I don't get it out now, it'll get filed away in the back of my brain and overlooked among the hundreds of topics I keep saying I'll write about but never do.
I found this in another blog:
She was very clear about her limits. In our negotiations ahead of time, she was very clear about what was and wasn't okay. And because she was so upfront about what was off-limits, that made me feel more confident and safe about doing the things she'd said were okay. That was important -- probably more important than anything else.
As a primarily-straight female, I don't have the benefit of first-hand knowledge of how women conduct their romantic negotiations. But as a female who has almost exclusively male friends, I get to *hear* about how the men perceive these negotiations to go.
And as far as I can tell, they don't go at all.
Women don't negotiate. Women don't set down any limits or rules. The men get to sort of fumble along until they do something the women don't like, then they either get blasted for their inappropriateness or the women sit and quietly fume about it (totally unbeknownst to the men), building resentment into their relationships for as long as they last because the men have never developed the ability to read the women's minds and decide for themselves that their attentions are unwanted.
The above quote was written by a woman on her account of hiring a female professional sexual submissive.
As a pro, and in general dealing with the world of fetish sex, clear negotiations and limits are mandatory. But in the "real world", or the majority of our nation's monogamists, who are taught a load of assumptions and are also taught that everyone has the same assumptions and it is detrimental to the relationship to question those assumptions, clear negotiations and limits are feared and avoided.
(Before I go any further, I shouldn't have to say this but I will. I am speaking in generalities based on my own observations. It should not need to be said that I am not speaking for every single woman alive, nor even any single woman in America. I have not met or observed every single woman and therefore cannot speak for them even if I wanted to. If anything I am saying does not apply to you or someone you know, then assume I am not speaking about *you* and that I have already allowed for your existence with this qualifying statement)
I found this in another blog:
She was very clear about her limits. In our negotiations ahead of time, she was very clear about what was and wasn't okay. And because she was so upfront about what was off-limits, that made me feel more confident and safe about doing the things she'd said were okay. That was important -- probably more important than anything else.
As a primarily-straight female, I don't have the benefit of first-hand knowledge of how women conduct their romantic negotiations. But as a female who has almost exclusively male friends, I get to *hear* about how the men perceive these negotiations to go.
And as far as I can tell, they don't go at all.
Women don't negotiate. Women don't set down any limits or rules. The men get to sort of fumble along until they do something the women don't like, then they either get blasted for their inappropriateness or the women sit and quietly fume about it (totally unbeknownst to the men), building resentment into their relationships for as long as they last because the men have never developed the ability to read the women's minds and decide for themselves that their attentions are unwanted.
The above quote was written by a woman on her account of hiring a female professional sexual submissive.
As a pro, and in general dealing with the world of fetish sex, clear negotiations and limits are mandatory. But in the "real world", or the majority of our nation's monogamists, who are taught a load of assumptions and are also taught that everyone has the same assumptions and it is detrimental to the relationship to question those assumptions, clear negotiations and limits are feared and avoided.
(Before I go any further, I shouldn't have to say this but I will. I am speaking in generalities based on my own observations. It should not need to be said that I am not speaking for every single woman alive, nor even any single woman in America. I have not met or observed every single woman and therefore cannot speak for them even if I wanted to. If anything I am saying does not apply to you or someone you know, then assume I am not speaking about *you* and that I have already allowed for your existence with this qualifying statement)
( And to continue )
