Introversion

My dear friend and metamour  smoocherie wrote an introspective post about Introversion.  This topic has come up in conversation in my life several times recently, so when she wrote her entry, it sparked some introspection of my own.

I am a very strong introvert.  I am a very social person.  These two statements are not mutually exclusive.  The term "introvert", in a psychological sense, is not about social skills or even one's enjoyment of social activities.  It is about what kinds of activities cause energy drains and energy boosts.  I very much enjoy social activities like parties and nightclubs and gatherings, but these take an emotional toll.  I require "alone time" to recharge.

Now, what does all that mean, without all the "psychobabble"?  It means that, while I enjoy certain types of social activities, these activities cause me to feel tired at the end of them.  I can become exhausted in the physical sense (as one would after a workout) or I can become sleepy.  I can become cranky and short-tempered.  I can become aggressive and angry or I can become quiet and withdrawn.  I can become depressed or overly-emotional about things.  Usually I can see these signs while they are still early and mild, and I can do something to improve my mood before I make things too uncomfortable for those around me. 

What it takes for me to improve my mood and increase my energy is spending time alone.  I can sleep for large amounts of time, I can sit at my computer and not leave the house for a couple of days.  I can even spend time with certain individuals (one at a time) who have an emotional connection to me and do not cause me to feel drained.  These kinds of things will help me to recover and make me feel happy and energetic and able to face the world without fear or trepidation.

Now, different people have had different reactions to my introversion.  I have been told that I was "quiet" and "shy" because I picked a chair in the corner and observed others without participating in the group activities.  I have been told that I can't be introverted because I'm so "alpha" and "take charge" and that I "motivate people" because I can walk into a room and command everyone's presence and get a job done.  I have been told that I have "poor social skills" because I flit around at a party taking pictures but rarely do anything to be the subject of their pictures (other than sit there and grudgingly smile).  I have been told that I have "amazing social skills" because I can coax truculent children into giving beautiful portraits and I can soothe flustered clients when their materials haven't arrived and their exhibition booth opens in 20 minutes and I go from booth to boot, smiling and empathizing with each and every client.  I have been told I am "unapproachable" because I stand with my arms crossed and give off a "don't fuck with me vibe".  I have been told I can't be "unapproachable" because I'm one of the biggest flirts they have ever seen, often making truly quiet and shy people uncomfortable with my joking propositions and my comfort with physical flirtation.

What all these people have in common is that they are not using the word "introvert" in the same way that I am and they are not seeing me being "me".  Those that are surprised to hear me say "introvert" are not seeing the energy drain at the end of the day and the 12 hours I'll sleep that night.  Those that call me "cold" and "unapproachable" or "shy" see me only in the most stressful situations and not when I'm in my element or in my comfort zone.

The reality is that I have very good social skills and I enjoy social activity, but I am still an introvert and social activity takes a toll on me that I cannot help or avoid, but I can control *when* I put myself in those situations and how I cope with it.

Taking a tip from smoocherie's post, here are some situations where I am "in my element" and can often cause people to disbelieve that I am an introvert:

 ~ Being in a group of 10 people or less who I have some kind of emotional connection to - people I consider good Friends. 

 ~ Having a very clear role with clearly defined authority.  I can take charge of a situation, I can be instructor, I can be a crew chief, I have wonderful customer service skills (yes, I can refrain from telling annoying customers to "fuck off"), I can organize and motivate.  But I have to know where my limits are, what my authority covers.  When I am unsure, my confidence falters.

 ~ Being encouraged to talk about a subject that I have a lot of familiarity with.  I can wax eloquent or rant and rave for days on end about a subject I like.  I certainly never seem to tire of telling all my old backstage stories or past relationship stories, and I often hit, what I call "lecture mode" and have to warn people to just tell me to shut up when I have rambled on past the audience's interest.  I fear turning into that crazy old man in the corner chair (except I'd still be a female) who tells endless unbelievable stories to unwilling audiences casting "help me!" glances across the room while others take advantage of his capture to escape themselves.  Think Dustin Hoffman in "Wag The Dog" meets the old Roadie from "Wayne's World" mixed up with that crazy great-relative who visits every Christmas that no one knows quite how to get rid of and the kids run and hide in their rooms for a week to avoid.

 ~ Being at work where I have a long-standing "friendship" with at least one other person there.  When I have a co-worker around me that I have known for long enough to have established a comfortable rapport and/or familiar flirtation style with, I become loud, outgoing, boisterous even. 

 ~ Being at work whether I know anyone or not where I am doing tasks that are clearly well within my skill-set and very few others are exhibiting equal level of competency.  Especially if the job is for a load-out, which is where we take down the set and load up trucks.  Often, the goal is to get the job done as quickly as possible, and the physical activity combined with the atmoshpere of "rush! rush!" increases my energy and puts me in a good mood the way endorphin-junkie athletes get the "runner-high". 

 ~ Having permission (nay, expectations) to photograph the setting.  When I am confident that my photographing the setting will be welcome (no people are around, a party where everyone is taking pictures, when I'm hired as the wedding photographer), I am a more active participant in getting the pictures I want and I do less sitting by waiting for a shot to happen in front of me.

 ~ Being in a crowded setting with the intention of meeting new people as long I have a small group of people I am comfortable with who are encouraging the "meet new people" concept (whether they also want to meet others or not).  For instance, going to a nightclub with a handful of other girls who are all out to dance with and meet new guys there. 

As you can see, many of these situations take place at work ... a place I seem to have great difficulty in talking my Friends into visiting and observing.  I am in the unique position that certain types of jobs that I take, on a fairly regular basis, do allow me to have people nearby enough to see how I interact at work.  Yet very few of my Friends or partners have exhibited any interest in visiting me at work, even when I explicitly state that I can arrange it.  Since my work setting is the one in which I feel most like "me", it actually means a lot to me to have those I care about see me in that setting and it's quite a bit disappointing when those I care about don't appear to want to see me in my "element" doing one of the things I am most passionate about doing.  This is probably one of the reasons I continue to get involved with other stagehands, even when they're not quite the type of person I would prefer to be involved with ... they see me when I feel I am most "me" and I am around them in my most comfortable setting.

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Here are some of the situations that make me feel most introverted, that take energy out of me and require some "downtime" to recover from or make me "quiet", "shy", or even "moody":

 ~ Being forced to be "intimate" with strangers or people I don't know very well.  Those damn ice-breaker games at retreats and on the first day of a new semester in school, and in office "team-building" situations cause enough of a panic that I will literally freeze in my seat.  My temperature drops, my hands get cold, and I seem to have developed an inability to move my limbs or think of the appropriate responses.  The more intimate the request, the worse my reaction gets.  I can absolutely forget group tantra or cuddle parties.  Of course, throw in anything resembling mysticism or new-age stuff and I'm going to be uncomfortable because I disagree with those philosophies, so that just compounds the issue.  Ironically, however, dancing with a stranger does not cause this reaction (which can be a fairly "intimate" act), but I can't bring myself to initiate the dance request - he has to ask me to dance.

 ~ Tell me to "mingle".  "Mingle" is likely one of the scariest words to an introvert.  Yes, I stole this one word-for-word from smoocherie because she's absolutely right.  Chances are, I'll get over some of my discomfort and actually do something resembling mingling on my own, but being expected to, being told to ... uh uh.

 ~ Showing up at a gig where I don't know any other co-worker at all, or I know them only cursorily and there isn't enough activity to release the runner-high endorphins to compensate.  Eventually, my skills and abilities at work will make up for my lack of socializing.  As I become more comfortable doing those things that require a skill that I have developed to a high level, my discomfort will lessen and I'll become more chatty with my co-workers, but I'll start out so quiet and unassuming that many times my supervisors and co-workers won't even realize I'm an experienced tech until I do something outstanding.

 ~ Being in any kind of group situation, such as party or nightclub, when I'm already tired, even if the setting might otherwise fit in my "element" category.  I could be physically tired from physical work, emotionally drained from a previous energy-draining situation, injured, in a bad mood from an altercation, sleep-deprived, really any reason for being "tired". 

 ~ Being in any kind of group situation where I have a particularly strained relationship with another person there and I'm expected to interact with that person.  If I have some kind of difficulty with another person in the group, especially if this difficulty is some kind of emotional issue, I can usually get through the event with only slightly more drain than the situation would normally have on me only if I can ignore that person entirely.  I can ignore someone politely, without being rude or snubbing them, even acknowledging superficially as I would any stranger who happens to be sharing the same space as me.  But if I have to make conversation with them, include them in anything I'm doing, and otherwise not be allowed to treat them as an anonymous stranger/party-goer, I will quickly retreat into introversion.

 ~ Being in any kind of group situation where I have a strained relationship with another person there and I *want* to interact with them but *they* are avoiding *me*.  Having unresolved issues with someone and being forced to be politely social when I would rather work out the issue, or having an established set of behaviours with someone only to discover that the behaviour rules have changed for this setting to a more superficial set of behaviours can cause me emotional stress and therefore I will retreat into introversion.

 ~ Going to a nightclub alone.   I can attend a nightclub alone, and have successfully met new people there, but it takes a great deal of emotional energy to talk myself into leaving the house and, once there, removing my "aura of unapproachability" enough for others there to want to approach me.  After the first dance or two, I'll lighten up a bit, but it's most likely the endorphin rush that is compensating.

 ~ Going to a nightclub with one or two other people who are just as shy (or more) as I am, If I go to a club with other shy people, there is no infectious energy for me to borrow and help raise my mood and make me more "approachable".  One of the reasons I enjoy being around extroverts is we can get into a "feedback loop".  Their natural energy rubs off on me and as my energy level rises, so does their's simply because they're interacting with someone, which then continues to encourage me, etc.  I'm somewhat empathic, so if my companions are subdued, I have to work against their own lack of energy when I have my own energy issues to deal with.

 ~ Going to a nightclub with one guy or with other people whose attitude inhibits other people at the club from approaching me when I want to meet new people.  I can attend a club with a male partner if the point is to be there *with* that male partner, but if we are going for the purpose of meeting other people, my natural difficulty with approaching others combines with the fact that I am a female arriving with a male (usually a sign that we're "together" and I am therefore off limits to the other club guests).  I would have to be much more comfortable and outgoing to compensate for those assumptions.  Even being there with 2 males is preferable since the other people would not be able to tell which one I was "with" and might assume more correctly that I'm there with friends.  Going with any number of people of either gender when the overwhelming attitude is not that of wanting to meet people also requires me to go above and beyond to compensate in order to meet people.  The phrase "cock block" comes to mind here and it takes a great deal of effort for me to be sociable enough to make up for my companions' unapproachability.

 ~ Playing a group game that requires me to attack other players or defend myself from attack.  A popular game in my social circle is "Are You A Werewolf" where the players accuse each other of being werewolves and then each round vote to "lynch" one player.  I find watching the game entertaining as hell, but I just can't bring myself to join in trying to remove other players from the game, and I feel personally attacked when the other players attempt to have me removed from the game.  It doesn't matter to me that it's all a game and that no one means anything they say within the context of the game.  I feel drained and tired from the effort of attack and defense, even in play.

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I've thought about taking steps to try and overcome some of my introverted limitations and, in some cases, I have made some effort.  I really, really, really, like dancing.  Dancing can even be a substitute for sex for me (that's a whole other post).  Many times I just can't seem to get anyone to go dancing with me, so occasionally the desire for dancing becomes so great that I will go alone, in spite of my reservations.  Many of my friends enjoy board and card games when we get together, and some games are more difficult for me than others, but I have let myself be talked into participating in even the more difficult games on occasion.  But really, I'd rather just watch.

Most of these situations that trigger my introversion, however, I'm really fine with and have no desire to change them.  I am a huge fan of personal growth and improvement and making my life easier and richer and more fulfilling.  But I have also come to terms with the fact that I have limited time, energy and resources and I have to prioritize those things about me I want to "improve".  I have decided that, yes, there are many benefits to me learning to overcome my introversion in many of those situations, but I don't feel my life is significantly less fulfilling without improving those areas.  I might never again play a game of Werewolf and I'm OK with that.  I will probably never experience a group tantra excercise and I'm OK with that.  I might cause some corporate eyebrows to raise when I refuse every single ice-breaker game, and since I hope to never work in an office again, I'm OK with that.

I think there is a place for introverts in the world.  If we were all extroverts, particularly those extroverts who need attention, not just social activity, we might all compete for attention and have no one left over to be the rapt audience.  I think I might be happier if I work on the whole not-approaching people issue for dancing, but our society encourages males to ask females and not the other way around.  So even though males also go through all the same issues when it comes to asking someone to dance, I am more likely to have someone approach me eventually as a female than as a male, so I can get by with this introversion indefinitely.  I have lots of things I want to work on, but I think my introversion does not prevent me from functioning in society, nor does it inhibit my enjoyment of life.  So I think I am content in this area of who I am and not inclined to change at this time, neither am I inclined to apologize for needing my down-time, alone-time, or quiet-time to "recharge" from stressful situations or even outright avoiding certain situations entirely.