There Is Me

[joreth]

Doogie Howser, MD, is jealous when Wanda becomes enamored with the nude male model in her life drawing class. The model is handsome, he's built, and Doogie's girlfriend has already seen him naked. So Doogie starts lifting weights in a frenzied attempt to bulk up to win back Wanda's affections. All he wins is sore muscles. Fortunately (and predictably, since it's a teen show from the '90s), Wanda learns that her ultra-handsome date is completely enamored of himself, and not her. Disgusted by his narcissism, she comes back to Doogie and apologizes.

That was the backstory, here's the point of this post. The lessoned-learned talk with Dad.

Doogie: "I think I'm going to cool it with the weights for a while."
Dad: "Good. I think you've been overdoing it."
Doogie: "That's easy for you to say, you were always one of the big guys."
Dad: (chuckles) "Trust me, it's all relative. There'll always be someone bigger than you are, someone stronger, or better looking, or smarter ... well, maybe not smarter. Do you really like being a prodigy Doogie, I mean, does it make you feel special?"
Doogie: "Well, yeah, if I'm being honest, it does."
Dad: "You're growing up. Pretty soon you'll be just a really, really smart adult."
Doogie: "What a come down."
Dad: "Well, the point is that you don't look to other people for your self-esteem. You can earn respect from other people, even admiration and praise. But it won't mean anything to you if you don't respect yourself."

Yeah, yeah, how after-school-special, right? Except it happens to be true. This is what makes it possible to be polyamorous, or even healthily monogamous. Reporters and co-workers are always asking me "but doesn't anyone get jealous?" Of course people get jealous. Some more than others. But what makes it possible to work through the jealousy, the fear that you will lose your partner to another person, is the rock-hard belief that you are loved and lovable; that it's not about being "the best" because "the best" is impossible. It's about being *you*. And your partner is with you because of *who you are*. Becoming "the best", "the smartest", "the prettiest", will not prevent your partner from leaving ... and if that's what it took to keep him, I'd rather not be with him anyway. What will prevent your partner from leaving is your partner desiring not to leave. And that's the only thing.

It's scary to think that your partner could leave at any time, for any reason. Lots of people cling to the idea of marriage because they think it's a way to hold onto their partner forever, that if they just make it more difficult to leave, their partner won't. Frankly, I don't want to know that my partner is only my partner because I'm holding him hostage. It might be scary to think he could leave you, but it's awfully rewarding to realize that he hasn't left you, not because you forced him to stay, but because he wanted to stay.

There is no "best", there is no "perfect", and there is no "forever". But there is me, and there are people who like me for me. Maybe not a lot of people, but there are people. And their love for me is what keeps them in my life, not any attempt at perfection because perfection does not exist.

Comments

[pretendpeterpan.livejournal.com]

Wow, this is just what I needed to read today. Really well put. Thank you!