That's a little more difficult for me to answer, since I don't have it totally worked out in my head yet (one of the reasons I decided to just quote and not elaborate). Basically, I enjoy sensation and even certain role-playing where someone else has power over me so that puts me in the bottom position. But that power is always given to the person who is topping me, not taken, and it can be revoked by me at any time, so their power over me is an illusion for the sake of the scene. Safewords, their concern for my safety, hard boundaries, all these are limitations put in place that protect me (as the bottom) and give me the "control" even when I am the more submissive position in the scene. "Topping from the bottom" is another common phrase I've heard to describe what I do.
Some Doms and subs may chime in and say that's what they're doing too, but it just doesn't *feel* right to me, if that makes any sense. Even when I allow someone to flog me, or I engage in a relationship that allows for resistance games, I always consider myself their equal, never their submissive or subordinate, even in the middle of a scene. I have a difficult time wrapping my brain around the concept of Dom and sub because I am *never* sub to anyone. When someone gets to top me, it is because I allow it. When someone is above me in, say, a job position, they are not my superior. They may have more knowledge or more experience than I do, but they are not superior to me and I may have skills or information that they don't have, making me an equally valuable contribution to the company. When I am in school, my teachers are not my "betters" or supperiors either for the same reason. They have more knowledge (sometimes) than I do in a particular subject, but I have more than they do on another subject. We are equals. This attitude is quite annoying to people in positions of authority!
It's not even that I don't recognize when someone has authority over me, like cops for instance.
I don't think I'm explaining this well. It's still a "feeling" and not rational at this point. But the idea of being "submissive" just rubs me the wrong way, even though I enjoy being flogged and I enjoy resistance play. I do not enjoy someone having control over my life, I do not follow orders and I do not desire to *please* someone else (this is different from the give-and-take pleasure of a non-BDSM setting ... I often enjoy giving head, for example, with no need for reciprocation, but it is contextual). Even in a role-playing setting where I give someone the power over me voluntarily, these things don't work for me. Physical sensation that includes someone else inflicting pain doesn't hit this emotional button and I enjoy the sensation. Resistance play is fun for me because I like wresting, it's again, a physical sensation. There is probably some emotional and mental stuff wrapped up there that I haven't uncovered yet, but I haven't had much of a chance to explore this area, so I may have a different answer in the future.
I guess most of what I enjoy in BDSM has to do with physical sensation and not emotional or mental domination. I don't like humiliation games, for example, even though I rationally understand that calling someone a whore who likes to be called a whore is not disrespectful (and in fact is the opposite). When given anything resembling an order, I tend to snap out of the scene headspace and automatically rebel against it. I am far too independent, and I *like* being independent and I value independence to really understand the mental and emotional desire for submissiveness. But what other people don't understand about me is that this desire for independence is not a rejection of sharing my life or my heart, and it's not a wall blocking intimacy. It's merely a belief that I am equal and capable of handling anything on my own, and it's all my choice. That doesn't mean that I don't also want another equal to share my life with and develop a relationship where we *can* depend on each other ... just that we don't *have* to depend on each other.
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Date: 4/4/07 05:54 pm (UTC)From:Some Doms and subs may chime in and say that's what they're doing too, but it just doesn't *feel* right to me, if that makes any sense. Even when I allow someone to flog me, or I engage in a relationship that allows for resistance games, I always consider myself their equal, never their submissive or subordinate, even in the middle of a scene. I have a difficult time wrapping my brain around the concept of Dom and sub because I am *never* sub to anyone. When someone gets to top me, it is because I allow it. When someone is above me in, say, a job position, they are not my superior. They may have more knowledge or more experience than I do, but they are not superior to me and I may have skills or information that they don't have, making me an equally valuable contribution to the company. When I am in school, my teachers are not my "betters" or supperiors either for the same reason. They have more knowledge (sometimes) than I do in a particular subject, but I have more than they do on another subject. We are equals. This attitude is quite annoying to people in positions of authority!
It's not even that I don't recognize when someone has authority over me, like cops for instance.
I don't think I'm explaining this well. It's still a "feeling" and not rational at this point. But the idea of being "submissive" just rubs me the wrong way, even though I enjoy being flogged and I enjoy resistance play. I do not enjoy someone having control over my life, I do not follow orders and I do not desire to *please* someone else (this is different from the give-and-take pleasure of a non-BDSM setting ... I often enjoy giving head, for example, with no need for reciprocation, but it is contextual). Even in a role-playing setting where I give someone the power over me voluntarily, these things don't work for me. Physical sensation that includes someone else inflicting pain doesn't hit this emotional button and I enjoy the sensation. Resistance play is fun for me because I like wresting, it's again, a physical sensation. There is probably some emotional and mental stuff wrapped up there that I haven't uncovered yet, but I haven't had much of a chance to explore this area, so I may have a different answer in the future.
I guess most of what I enjoy in BDSM has to do with physical sensation and not emotional or mental domination. I don't like humiliation games, for example, even though I rationally understand that calling someone a whore who likes to be called a whore is not disrespectful (and in fact is the opposite). When given anything resembling an order, I tend to snap out of the scene headspace and automatically rebel against it. I am far too independent, and I *like* being independent and I value independence to really understand the mental and emotional desire for submissiveness. But what other people don't understand about me is that this desire for independence is not a rejection of sharing my life or my heart, and it's not a wall blocking intimacy. It's merely a belief that I am equal and capable of handling anything on my own, and it's all my choice. That doesn't mean that I don't also want another equal to share my life with and develop a relationship where we *can* depend on each other ... just that we don't *have* to depend on each other.