...See, what you just described are, as you say, good ideals. Building quality communication skills is a great idea, poly or no, but why confuse the whole thing with trying to redefine a word you don't need to redefine?
I prefer to avoid talking about whether something is or is not selfish altogether and get to what, in my experience at least, is the underlying issue at stake when the word starts getting tossed around...what am I likely to do when my desires and my sweetie's conflict in a way that can't be reconciled?
In context, I say something to the effect of "I will continue to prioritize my own needs before those of potential new sweetie and our relationship." I am, after all, the only thing I will ever actually have. This doesn't mean I'll be unnecessarily cruel or hurtful and it certainly doesn't mean I'll ever break safety agreements, but it honors from the beginning that people and their needs often change over time.
I can't rule out the possibility that some day, something will happen or some opportunity will come up that I'll love and my hypothetical GF will hate. If that happens, I have to go with my own needs; it's not as if sacrificing them to please her is going to make this a _good_ relationship, after all. And yeah, it hurts (hey, I was the one left behind when K and L had all their big changes. Hurts is an understatement. But folks change and it is what it is).
I don't think that this is selfish behavior, but it is an area where some people have philosophical divides (This is how my quad ended up a triad, and a lot of how the triad finally found its end). I remember having endless conversations with Josh about "selfishness" and what it meant, and was equally frustrated with the whole semantic argument then, too. We don't need to redefine the word. We DO need to understand how our partners look at their relationships and communicate, because sometimes there are big differences in opinion lurking in those waters.
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Date: 7/1/09 10:57 pm (UTC)From:I prefer to avoid talking about whether something is or is not selfish altogether and get to what, in my experience at least, is the underlying issue at stake when the word starts getting tossed around...what am I likely to do when my desires and my sweetie's conflict in a way that can't be reconciled?
In context, I say something to the effect of "I will continue to prioritize my own needs before those of potential new sweetie and our relationship." I am, after all, the only thing I will ever actually have. This doesn't mean I'll be unnecessarily cruel or hurtful and it certainly doesn't mean I'll ever break safety agreements, but it honors from the beginning that people and their needs often change over time.
I can't rule out the possibility that some day, something will happen or some opportunity will come up that I'll love and my hypothetical GF will hate. If that happens, I have to go with my own needs; it's not as if sacrificing them to please her is going to make this a _good_ relationship, after all. And yeah, it hurts (hey, I was the one left behind when K and L had all their big changes. Hurts is an understatement. But folks change and it is what it is).
I don't think that this is selfish behavior, but it is an area where some people have philosophical divides (This is how my quad ended up a triad, and a lot of how the triad finally found its end). I remember having endless conversations with Josh about "selfishness" and what it meant, and was equally frustrated with the whole semantic argument then, too. We don't need to redefine the word. We DO need to understand how our partners look at their relationships and communicate, because sometimes there are big differences in opinion lurking in those waters.