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http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2009/jun/14/polly-vernon-childlessness-cameron-diaz-babies
Apparently Cameron Diaz is childfree by choice! This article is from The Guardian, a British newspaper.
It takes guts to say: 'I don't want children'
Cameron Diaz admits she's happy to be childless. Yet few women - or men - will praise her stance
by Polly Vernon
6/14/09
Cameron Diaz always struck me as sensible. Maybe because she never joined Scientology, or married anyone patently ridiculous, despite toiling for a decade and a half at the coalface of Hollywood A-listiness. Maybe because she gives a damn fine impression of not taking herself too seriously.
Last week, Diaz proved herself especially sensible. I'll go further. She was wise, insightful, right.
The actress told Cosmopolitan magazine that being a woman and admitting you didn't want children is taboo. "I think women are afraid to say that they don't want children because they're going to get shunned ... I have more girlfriends who don't have kids than those that do. And honestly? We don't need any more kids. We have plenty of people on this planet."
Diaz, who is 36, didn't go as far as to say that she definitely does not want children. But to be openly, loudly undecided on the issue - at the point when her biological clock should be ticking so loudly that she can hardly sleep, eat or think about anything else - is to be brave enough, frankly. It's an admission that invites suspicion and pity. To be a thirtysomething woman in 2009 and not want a child so desperately that you think you might die is simply not allowed.
In February, I wrote a column for Observer Woman about not wanting children. I am 37, nearly a year to the day older than Diaz and I just don't. I never have.
Unlike Diaz, I did not know that voluntary childlessness is an unacceptable crime to cop to. I thought I was merely expressing an opinion. I thought that people who want - or have - children, would accept that I do not, just as I accept their choice. After all, it's my (notional) babies I am rejecting, not theirs.
I was wrong.
I stated my case. I listed my reasons, even though it annoys me that the child-free have to justify their status. No one ever asks a parent why they have kids. But I explained that I like my life as it is, my lifestyle, my career. I explained that I had felt this way for 30 years - and that even though all the things that were supposed to change my mind (love, a long-term relationship, pressure from breeding contemporaries) had happened to me, I remain resolutely childless.
I explained that I like the potential of my childless existence: to travel, sleep, read, drink, watch HBO box sets, have feckless fun.
I talked about how difficult it is to be child-free, when popular culture fetishises parenthood in general and motherhood in particular. When the dramatic arc of all TV dramas, of all rom-coms, is dependent on someone becoming pregnant and finding true happiness as a consequence. Babies are the newest archetype on the happy ending, therefore not wanting them is tantamount to not wanting to be happy.
I talked about how weird it is to be disconnected from this baby-crazy culture. Like being sober while everyone else is drunk. I talked about how strange it is to not even care whether or not I'm infertile, when apparently it's all anyone else thinks about.
Was I antagonistic? Possibly. I tried not to be, but I am passionate about this. I was certainly a bit sensational, a bit flippant. The headline referred to the rise of the "dummy mummy" generation - an inflammatory turn of phrase.
The reaction to the piece was terrifying. Emails and letters arrived, condemning me, expressing disgust. I was denounced as bitter, selfish, un-sisterly, unnatural, evil. I'm now routinely referred to as "baby-hating journalist Polly Vernon".
So yes, Cameron Diaz, I can tell you from experience that you are right. Admit that you don't ache for children with every fibre of your being and you will be shunned. Shunning's the tip of the iceberg. I wish I'd been shunned. Shunning would have been blissful, relatively.
The furore's blown over; my childlessness endures. I've registered a gender split in the way people respond to it, if it comes up socially.
Women might think I'm in denial, but they let me get on with it now. Men, meanwhile, are astounded. Flummoxed. They become aggressive, sneering. They psychoanalyse me, they try to work out what's wrong with me. Who knows why? Perhaps they feel rejected. Perhaps the idea that there are women at large who are not actively pursuing their sperm is an out-and-out affront to a certain kind of man. The same men who have spent years believing that all women secretly want to trap them into commitment and fatherhood, probably.
For whatever reason, I've been pulled up on my wanton childless status, loudly and at length, by three different men, in three different pubs, over the course of the last fortnight alone.
Here's the thing: we need to stop pretending that childlessness isn't happening to us. It is. The birth rate in Europe is in steep decline. We know this. We know that, currently, 40% of UK university graduates aged 35 are childless and that at least 30% will stay that way permanently. We know that much of this childlessness is involuntary or, at least, unconsidered, the consequence of infertility, a lack of opportunity or leaving it too late.
But some of it will be like mine - cherished, rigorously maintained, valued. For everyone's sake, it's good to have that sort of a blueprint on a life without children. Childlessness is going to be a feature in many of our lives; we need to start seeing it as a choice, a valid option, rather than a failing. We certainly need it not to be taboo.
We need to stop making the voluntarily childless feel like they have a guilty secret. We need to stop shunning or vilifying the likes of me (in this instance, at least), and, much more importantly, Cameron Diaz and her mates.
Apparently Cameron Diaz is childfree by choice! This article is from The Guardian, a British newspaper.
It takes guts to say: 'I don't want children'
Cameron Diaz admits she's happy to be childless. Yet few women - or men - will praise her stance
by Polly Vernon
6/14/09
Cameron Diaz always struck me as sensible. Maybe because she never joined Scientology, or married anyone patently ridiculous, despite toiling for a decade and a half at the coalface of Hollywood A-listiness. Maybe because she gives a damn fine impression of not taking herself too seriously.
Last week, Diaz proved herself especially sensible. I'll go further. She was wise, insightful, right.
The actress told Cosmopolitan magazine that being a woman and admitting you didn't want children is taboo. "I think women are afraid to say that they don't want children because they're going to get shunned ... I have more girlfriends who don't have kids than those that do. And honestly? We don't need any more kids. We have plenty of people on this planet."
Diaz, who is 36, didn't go as far as to say that she definitely does not want children. But to be openly, loudly undecided on the issue - at the point when her biological clock should be ticking so loudly that she can hardly sleep, eat or think about anything else - is to be brave enough, frankly. It's an admission that invites suspicion and pity. To be a thirtysomething woman in 2009 and not want a child so desperately that you think you might die is simply not allowed.
In February, I wrote a column for Observer Woman about not wanting children. I am 37, nearly a year to the day older than Diaz and I just don't. I never have.
Unlike Diaz, I did not know that voluntary childlessness is an unacceptable crime to cop to. I thought I was merely expressing an opinion. I thought that people who want - or have - children, would accept that I do not, just as I accept their choice. After all, it's my (notional) babies I am rejecting, not theirs.
I was wrong.
I stated my case. I listed my reasons, even though it annoys me that the child-free have to justify their status. No one ever asks a parent why they have kids. But I explained that I like my life as it is, my lifestyle, my career. I explained that I had felt this way for 30 years - and that even though all the things that were supposed to change my mind (love, a long-term relationship, pressure from breeding contemporaries) had happened to me, I remain resolutely childless.
I explained that I like the potential of my childless existence: to travel, sleep, read, drink, watch HBO box sets, have feckless fun.
I talked about how difficult it is to be child-free, when popular culture fetishises parenthood in general and motherhood in particular. When the dramatic arc of all TV dramas, of all rom-coms, is dependent on someone becoming pregnant and finding true happiness as a consequence. Babies are the newest archetype on the happy ending, therefore not wanting them is tantamount to not wanting to be happy.
I talked about how weird it is to be disconnected from this baby-crazy culture. Like being sober while everyone else is drunk. I talked about how strange it is to not even care whether or not I'm infertile, when apparently it's all anyone else thinks about.
Was I antagonistic? Possibly. I tried not to be, but I am passionate about this. I was certainly a bit sensational, a bit flippant. The headline referred to the rise of the "dummy mummy" generation - an inflammatory turn of phrase.
The reaction to the piece was terrifying. Emails and letters arrived, condemning me, expressing disgust. I was denounced as bitter, selfish, un-sisterly, unnatural, evil. I'm now routinely referred to as "baby-hating journalist Polly Vernon".
So yes, Cameron Diaz, I can tell you from experience that you are right. Admit that you don't ache for children with every fibre of your being and you will be shunned. Shunning's the tip of the iceberg. I wish I'd been shunned. Shunning would have been blissful, relatively.
The furore's blown over; my childlessness endures. I've registered a gender split in the way people respond to it, if it comes up socially.
Women might think I'm in denial, but they let me get on with it now. Men, meanwhile, are astounded. Flummoxed. They become aggressive, sneering. They psychoanalyse me, they try to work out what's wrong with me. Who knows why? Perhaps they feel rejected. Perhaps the idea that there are women at large who are not actively pursuing their sperm is an out-and-out affront to a certain kind of man. The same men who have spent years believing that all women secretly want to trap them into commitment and fatherhood, probably.
For whatever reason, I've been pulled up on my wanton childless status, loudly and at length, by three different men, in three different pubs, over the course of the last fortnight alone.
Here's the thing: we need to stop pretending that childlessness isn't happening to us. It is. The birth rate in Europe is in steep decline. We know this. We know that, currently, 40% of UK university graduates aged 35 are childless and that at least 30% will stay that way permanently. We know that much of this childlessness is involuntary or, at least, unconsidered, the consequence of infertility, a lack of opportunity or leaving it too late.
But some of it will be like mine - cherished, rigorously maintained, valued. For everyone's sake, it's good to have that sort of a blueprint on a life without children. Childlessness is going to be a feature in many of our lives; we need to start seeing it as a choice, a valid option, rather than a failing. We certainly need it not to be taboo.
We need to stop making the voluntarily childless feel like they have a guilty secret. We need to stop shunning or vilifying the likes of me (in this instance, at least), and, much more importantly, Cameron Diaz and her mates.
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no subject
Date: 6/18/09 07:40 pm (UTC)From:I had an ex who didn't quite believe I was serious for a while, but she eventually came around to the idea that no, I didn't want kids, and no sane person who knew me at all would want to see me raising juvenile humans. Besides, been there, done that, I know what raising a kid is like and no thanks. I've never had anyone treat me with such rudeness about it, though!
I'd love to read your other article. FYI it looks like you copied this one twice in your entry.
no subject
Date: 6/18/09 08:06 pm (UTC)From:Telling me that I'll "grow out of it" is the fastest way to piss me off too. I usually respond with "so I'm old enough to decide to breed, to make an 18+ year commitment to raising a child, but I'm not old enough to decide I DON'T want that commitment?" and "OK then, at what age AM I old enough to decide my own future?" and "I can decide to die for my country, get married, buy a house, and have children, but I'm not old enough to decide *not* to do any of those things? How old must I be to decide that I can refrain? Or must I go my whole life, 80 years or so, never choosing my path but being childfree by accident or by default?"
I suppose since many parents find themselves parents by accident or default, and not by choice, it shouldn't surprise me that people think this way about being childfree too.
no subject
Date: 6/18/09 09:24 pm (UTC)From:I have had people quiz me about choosing to have a baby in my 40th year, but I haven't ever had anyone do more than look askance at me for having a baby that late.
It would never occur to me to lash out at someone who has chosen not to reproduce. Raising a good adult human is a heck of a lot of work, a career in itself when done well. ...So, I don't understand those who do lash out, and I wonder where their parents were while they were supposed to be learning social skills. I suspect that such people would make iffy parents at best. How tragic is it that many ARE parents?
no subject
Date: 6/18/09 10:44 pm (UTC)From: (Anonymous)Thinking I will send Polly an email in support, along with a link to one of my favorite articles about this topic: The Shame of Not Wanting Children by Carolyn Ray. There's some great discussion of the various emotional, moral, intellectual, and character arguments commonly thrown our way. If you haven't read it before, it might be of interest.
http://enlightenment.supersaturated.com/essays/text/carolynray/shame_children.html
no subject
Date: 6/18/09 10:45 pm (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 6/18/09 10:53 pm (UTC)From:I joined No Kidding, a mailing list for childfree people, for support and discussion. They have lots of local chapters that organize social activities for childfree adults, but the Orlando chapter doesn't actually do anything.
no subject
Date: 6/19/09 02:58 am (UTC)From:I've always thought that child-rearing is much work and very rewarding...and something I never want to do.
I applaud you for making a conscious choice on whether or not to have kids!
no subject
Date: 6/19/09 03:02 am (UTC)From:I think the point of living is to live well, and that is something I give you high marks in.
Whether you have kids or not, the choice is yours and the beautiful thing is that it is your choice. Thank you for making it *your* choice!
no subject
Date: 6/19/09 03:12 am (UTC)From:Ahem. I might have a few opinions on the topic...
I was thinking about this today, and I do recall a few women who looked at me like I was nuts, for deciding to have a baby. So, it works both ways. I just let negative stuff roll off; it isn't my problem. Oh, and I've gotten the "only one???" thing, too, come to think of it. I grew up with three siblings - one's plenty, thanks. *Rolls eyes*
no subject
Date: 6/19/09 03:18 am (UTC)From:no subject
Date: 6/19/09 12:24 pm (UTC)From:That's awesome! I'm going to use that line, thanks! :-)
It always pissed me off when people use the "you'll grow out of it" line whenever I disagree with them about anything (not wanting to get married, not wanting children, being polyamorous and whatnot). But the reason the argument pisses me off is because it is inherently irrefutable. Although what you said is a brilliant retort, it doesn't really address the essence of the argument -- people don't think I'm literally not OLD enough, they think I'm not MATURE enough. It's not about age. What they say is: "when (if!) you mature, you'll see that I was right all along". So, even if I keep disagreeing until my death, it doesn't prove them wrong. Argh!
no subject
Date: 6/19/09 04:05 pm (UTC)From:I knew I would get the "you're not old enough" speech at least until age 30, which seems to be the magic age where doctors won't argue with you about having your tubes tied (although some still will if you haven't had any children yet). But when I admitted to not wanting children at age 32, I actually paused in surprise when a woman still said "oh, well you have plenty of time yet to have kids! You'll change your mind!"
Uh, no, actually, I don't. The older I get, the higher the chance of a serious, debilitating or life-threatening illness for the fetus or for myself. Just because medical science has enabled women to have children in their 40s or later, it still isn't a safe or responsible procedure. And then, I'd be in my 60s when my kid was still in high school. Who wants to be 60 and raising a teenager?
Usually following the "you'll grow out of it" argument is the argument that you might regret not having kids when you get older.
Well, fine, then that's the consequence of my decision, isn't it? Isn't that one of the things we're supposed to learn as adults, that our choices have consequences and that we're supposed to think carefully about things before we jump into major decisions? I've made lots of decisions that I might change my mind about in the future. I might end up not liking the car I drive, or wanting to change careers. Or I could end up with a kid and decide I wasn't ready for it after all and then I would have destroyed 2 or more lives. Or I could not destroy someone's life and not have a kid, and take out my parental feelings on an adopted or foster kid, on my nieces and nephews, on students I could mentor, etc.
Y'know, like a grown up who learns to live with her choices in life.
no subject
Date: 6/20/09 06:52 am (UTC)From:Shame she had to cite that hateful bitch Cameron Diaz tho. I find her totally contemptible for other reasons altogether.
no subject
Date: 6/20/09 10:54 pm (UTC)From:Thanks for pointing out my misunderstanding!