Dance Studios:  We want more people to learn how to dance!  And come to our dance parties!

Non-dancers:  OK, well, we don't know how to dance and we're not really passionate about it, otherwise we would already be learning how to dance.  So, how do we get into this dance thing?

Studios:  Well, first spend hundreds of dollars on private lessons, and a couple of hundred on special shoes, spend several weeks in lessons and practice every moment at home, and then you can come to our dance parties where everyone there already knows how to dance!

Non-dancers:  Uh, that sounds kind of intimidating.  Don't you have, like, a group class somewhere that we can just drop in to see if we like it before we start spending all that money and committing every week?

Studios:  NO YOU MUST COMMIT IF YOU ARE TO BECOME A *DANCER*!

Non-dancers:  OK, well, we weren't really interested in becoming a Dancer, we just thought learning a couple of dance moves might be fun.  You're the one asking for people to show up to your events.

Studios:  *Fine*, we'll add a lesson at the beginning of our dance parties.  We'll teach the same 3 steps over and over again for every dance party that we throw, and then we'll immediately open the dance floor to people who have been dancing for years and just throw you into the mix where you have to ask experts to dance with you and try to keep up with other experts moving around the floor.   How's that?

Non-dancers:  Yeah, didn't solve the whole "intimidating" problem.  We'll just stick to asking our token dancer friend to show us a few moves, and then never practice them again.

#IfYouWantPeopleToDoYourActivityYouHaveToMakeItAccessible

---

Non-Dance Friends:  Ooh, We've always wanted to dance!  Will you teach us?

Dancers:  Well, there are lessons available, and for safety you'll need suitable dance shoes.

Friends:  We don't want to spend any money, so can you just show us some things?

Dancers:  Well, you also need the space to do it, and that's my personal time that I'm giving up.  Renting space costs money, and if I teach for a living, you're asking me to do my job for free.  Plus, we already know that you need repetition to actually *learn* things.  If you really want to learn how to dance, you need to practice regularly.

Friends:  Nah, that's too much work and we're too busy with things that we prioritize higher.

[some time later]

Friends:  Ooh, we've always wanted to learn how to dance!

Dancers:  Well, there are lessons and dance events available...

#FromTheOtherSide #WeLoveToShareOurPassionButItTakesReciprocalEffort

#ProTip - Don't ask a woman to dance more than twice in a row either.  And by "row", I mean 2 consecutive songs, OR 2 times dancing with you with neither of you dancing with anyone else in between.  2 is the limit, and even that should be reserved for those times when the first dance is at least halfway through the song so that it doesn't really "count" as a full dance.

So, like, you ask her to dance, then you sit down next to her and talk at her for the next 3 songs, then you ask her to dance again, then sit down next to her and talk at her some more, and then ask her to dance a third and a fourth time, and neither of you dances with anyone else in between.

Don't do that.

Don't monopolize someone's time at a social dance.   If you sit down next to her and start talking to her, other people are less likely to come and interrupt to ask her to dance with them.  So she may only be sitting with you and not dancing with others because you just cockblocked them, not because she's actually that into you.

Ask someone to dance once.  Thank them, walk them back to where you picked them up, and then leave them.  Make sure you dance with at least one other person next.  Keep an eye out to make sure either she has danced with someone else, or she has been standing there so long that she might be feeling ignored so you can offer her another dance because that's what she came there to do.

In non-dance settings (dance settings being ballrooms, Latin clubs, swing dances, etc., non-dances being things like bars, parties, clubs, and other social events), it may seem a little abrupt to limit yourself to just one dance and then bail on them.  The Argentine Tango scene has a 3-song minimum limit, so if you're out, like, at a bar or something, you could probably go as many as 3 consecutive songs, or perhaps 1 song followed by conversation followed by another song.

I usually give someone 3 songs just in case they're an Argentine Tango dancer and not just socially inept.  I started doing that when I first ran into a Tango dancer at a salsa club.  He properly did the "ask, leave, ask later" method a couple of times, and then we danced a partial song so he asked for a second consecutive song, and then mentioned being a Tango dancer who was used to 3 songs, so I acquiesced to the Tango etiquette and he very properly dropped me off after the 3rd song and left me alone for a while so we could both dance with others.

Once I recognized this as a thing, I have now had it happen to me several times, so I give everyone a 3-song limit, where I will try to leave after one song, but if they hold onto me for a second song, I will give them 3 songs to let go voluntarily, after which time I will abruptly just leave them on the floor.  So far I have met several Argentine Tango dancers this way and I've only had to interrupt one person who was going for a 4th song and who was not a Tango dancer. (I also did not dance with him again).

Those who have mastered the art of flirting know the trick to "leave them wanting more".  Give them a taste, and then back the fuck off for a bit.  Tell them you see someone you know that you want to say hi to, and you'll be back later, or something.  Then surreptitiously keep an eye out. Are they scanning the crowd for you?  Or are they keeping their head low, hoping you won't see them again?  Or are they scanning the crowd for someone else to rescue them?

Catch their eye again, smile, nod, and go back to what you're doing.  Do they reciprocate?  Or do they seem to have a 6th sense for avoiding your eye?

Partner dance events have ages-old etiquette customs that are actually pretty good guidelines, for the most part.  Especially because, as a geek myself, I know a lot of people who find social interactions to be kind of mysterious.  So here's a good guideline if you don't have an intuitive sense of how to entice someone with the taste / back off / reel them in style of flirting.

No more than 2 songs.  Whether that's actually dancing or chatting and using the songs as a timer. 2 consecutive songs, or 2 times in a row of dancing with them with no other partners for either of you in between (or, say, 2 songs worth of conversation with them, one-on-one, with no conversations with other people in between).

Go away for a little bit, see if you can catch their eye and do they seem excited to have you come back?  Then come back.  Rinse, repeat.

If not dancing, do this unless / until you get into a conversation with them where they seem focused and engaged, and there is good back-and-forth where you are both contributing, they keep their attention on you and the conversation, and seem excited to talk to you about whatever you're talking about.

Then you can talk to them as long as you both seem to want to talk to each other.  But I still recommend looking for natural pauses in the conversation and breaking off to "say goodbye to my friend over there" or grab a drink or even to dance with someone else, and then coming back to continue the conversation later.  That excitement that builds as one hopes for you to return really seems to affect a lot of people, so use it.

It will feel a little awkward, and maybe even a bit contrived at first, but practicing enough times at the "hello, now we engage, now I'm off again, now I'm back!" social interaction will make it easier with practice, and it will help you to avoid those awkward moments when you think someone is into you and they're desperately hoping that the ground will open up and swallow them whole just to escape without having to tell you that they don't want to talk to you anymore.

#TheArtOfFlirting #PartnerDancingLessonsAreOftenApplicableOutsideOfTheBallroom

Here's why my Simple Steps workshop is so important (the workshop where I teach using lead and follow exercises to improve your relationship communication):

I went to an all-night dance event on a Friday - the day after I got fired from a gig over a medical condition. To say that I was having a bad week is an understatement. At that event, I had 2 friends there - one who dances and one who doesn't.

I met them both at roughly the same time. The dancer, I actually met a year or so ago, but only barely. He doesn't live in the US, he only visits here for a couple of months a year. So he came to a dance event once or twice last year, where I met him. I'm not sure I remembered his name until recently.

About 6 months ago, I started doing a weekly dance thing that I helped to organize with this dancer's father. Because it was his father's project, he attended the first couple of weeks even though that style of dance wasn't really his thing. Because it was a late-night sort of event, some of us night owls started staying afterwards to just chit chat. That's where I actually learned his name and set him apart from just "one of the dancers".

We didn't have any alone-time or any particularly intimate conversation, but we got to know each other well enough, and the others who stayed late to talk, that we have formed our own FB chat group to coordinate weekly get-togethers even though that weekly dance event is no longer.

At this same weekly dance event, I got to know one of the employees at the venue. Again, not very well, but we chatted a bit as I arrived and as I left every week, as did some of the other dancers. Then, when the dance event was canceled, we invited him to meet up with us after he got off work, since he really enjoyed seeing all of us dancers show up and now we weren't going to anymore. He and I have since had some *very* personal conversations and some intense alone-time, and we have gotten to know each other pretty well.

So, the day before this particular dance event is when I got fired from that gig. I realized 4 days later that I have officially slid back into my depression, complete with suicidal ideation. But on that Friday, I didn't realize I was heading towards depression, I just thought I was sad and upset over losing the gig, which is to be expected.

On Friday night (the next day), I went out dancing. The dancer friend was performing at the beginning of the event and I wanted to support him. That was enough motivation to push me through my growing depression and make myself leave the house. I fought my depression all night, and on at least 3 separate occasions, I nearly left to just go sit at home and cry. But I didn't. I pushed through and danced all night.

Dancing releases a lot of endorphins. It's a pretty strong mood elevator for me. But "mood" and "depression" are not the same thing, just ask Robin Williams. Once I started dancing, I got into a good mood. But the depression was still there, bubbling under the surface.

Here's my point...

My non-dancer friend remarked on how happy I looked. So I just smiled and mentioned the endorphins. Remember, I didn't recognize my depression yet, but I was a little surprised that the sadness wasn't showing through. I often post a "sneak peak" selfie of my outfits when I get dressed up and go out, and I think it's glaringly obvious in the picture I posted that night.

By the middle of the night after dancing for a few hours, I was feeling energetic and confident, and I was happy to see my friends. And this friend saw that.

But my dancer friend had one dance with me and knew something was wrong. And it was our best dance ever, yet he still knew.

He's a better dancer than I am, and I am new to this particular style of dance. So over the last few months, he's seen me go from unconfident, hesitant, and wooden, to relaxed and confident and trusting with him. So on Friday, we had our best dance ever. He was amazed and said we should have gotten it on video. And I mean it was a *good* dance - I looked like I had been taking lessons and practicing for months, when the reality is that I've never had a lesson in this particular style and I've really only danced it a couple handfuls of times in social settings.

But later, when we left the loud music and walked around outside in the quiet and the dark, the first thing he did was ask me what's wrong.

I was smiling, energetic, and *killing* it on the dance floor. But I was sliding into a depression. The friend who had some really intimate conversations with me couldn't see the depression. The dancer friend held me close for 3 minutes and, even though everything my body did was right, he still felt it.

This is why my workshop is important. With a dance partner, everything is out in the open, laid bare, raw, exposed, vulnerable. You can learn to read that, and honor that. Dance is one of the ways that can be learned.

And, of course, my workshop doesn't teach actual *dancing*, just the parts of dance that are relevant to that ability to communicate on such an intimate, intuitive level. No musicality or physical prowess or ability to memorize patterns necessary. Just pure, unfiltered flow of primal energy between two people.

He was able to read me that easily, in spite of not being a romantic partner and not knowing me very long or very well, because he is a Very Good Lead and I am a Very Good Follow. I can teach you the exercises that will guide you towards those leading and following skills.

But they take practice. He and I have been practicing, independently, for most of our adult lives. We did not need to practice with each other to learn how to read each other. We did, however, need to practice. A lot. For a long time.

My workshop will give you the tools to grow to this level of proficiency. But it's not a magic spell, where you whisper the incantation and move in the ritualistic movements one time and suddenly you're a good communicator. You have to practice the exercises that I will teach you after you leave my workshop.

And I promise, the amount of commitment you put into it will be proportional to the results you will get in the end.

Because he could read me with one 3-minute dance, through the endorphins brought on by physical activity, through my active processes to be pleasant and sociable and pretend like depression isn't a thing, through all the noise and distraction and other dancers, even through the sensuality and flirtatiousness of the dance and the barriers we all put up just for not knowing someone very well. 3 minutes of full body contact, and he knew.

You, too, can learn how to read the people you are close to. If you are driven enough to learn. And I can show you how.

Simple Steps For Better Relationship Communication with Joreth - available to come to your event! My next workshop will be at PolyDay North - SquiggleCon in Carlisle, England. Get your tickets now!

For me, the difficulty I have with holidays is not about having to spend time with family (either of origin or of choice). Even though I am MUCH more radical on just about every single topic than almost all of them (with the exception of my immediate polycule, the Tangle, who I *don't* get to spend holidays with anyway because of distance), I still like spending holiday time with family.

The difficulty I have is when the holiday gatherings include people my family is close to. So, like, if I host something, it's all people I get along with. But if I go to their house, usually the only people I connect with are the ones I bring with me and the hosts. Because I am the more radical one, my friends are less radical. And then they have friends who are less radical, or otherwise different from them, and those friends have spouses who are similarly more conservative than the friends-of-friends, and so on and so forth.

So, for me, the difficulty of holidays is the anxiety of attending a gathering which will have a high but unknown probability of running into someone who has a perspective that I strongly, personally, disagree with, and I'll have to do mental calculus about how to respond.  Even choosing to do nothing takes a mental toll on me, so just being in that space with that person is exhausting and trying.

These days, I'm becoming more and more anxious and undesiring of attending social functions simply because I don't want to deal with "friends of friends" who are, say, Trump supporters, or who casually joke about rape, or who throw in the random mildly racist statement (even if it's "benevolent" racism), or who feel the need to remark "well, to each his own, but *I* couldn't do it!" when they first figure out that I'm poly, etc.

Like, even when I choose to let it all slide so that I never once get into an argument, I still don't want to deal with it. A part of me wants to say "I like you well enough, but your friends suck and I can't pretend to be nice to them anymore, even though they're being perfectly polite to me."

But if I did that every time I got an invitation to something, I'd literally never leave my house or socialize again. Because there's ALWAYS someone around who says or thinks something awful, and even though socializing takes energy because I'm an introvert, I'm still human, which is a social species, so I still need some social contact.

But today I'm feeling it. I had absolutely no bad or awkward encounters on Thanksgiving. Nobody said anything within my earshot to make me uncomfortable. But I was on edge the whole time waiting for it.

And I'm thinking about all the other upcoming holiday parties - parties that I actively want to attend - and thinking about all the different times that I'm going to be feeling this anxiety about dealing with people I don't like when I'm there to have a good time.

And today, I just don't wanna.