I Cannot Share My Partners Because They Are Not Mine To Share

[joreth]

I write a lot about the non-possessiveness of love.  This was my latest comment on someone's FB post:

I cannot share my partners because my partners are not my possessions to share. Their body, minds, emotions, and time do not belong to me, they belong to them and them alone, and THEY choose to share THEMSELVES with me (and anyone else).

What they choose to give of themselves to others is not something taken away from me because it was never mine to begin with.

What they give of themselves to me is a gift. And only when received without entitlement and without obligation does it remain a gift. Otherwise it is a tithing, and I am nobody's lord and master to be tithed to.

We are equal partners in this partnership. That which I choose to share of mine, I share freely. That which they choose to share of theirs with me, they share freely. Together, it blends into a wonderful new entity that is our relationship.

But always it is made up of mine and theirs, and we each retain sole ownership of ourselves - our bodies, our minds, our emotions, and our time - to share with whom we choose.

Nobody can take that away from me which is not mine to begin with. My partners are not mine to share, they share themselves with me, and that is exactly what makes relationships so special, so unique, and so irreplaceable.

Comments

[blackestdarkness]

This is exactly how I feel but finding others who feel the same is hard for me. I have always given up so much of myself that I don't know who I am anymore.

[joreth]

I can totally relate to that. It's difficult to love people without possessiveness when their version of love requires possession. Either I get smothered under them because they hold on too tight, or they take me for granted because they assume that I'll always be there, patiently sitting in the background, with no needs of my own, and without any real sense of attachment or commitment because to them, love and attachment are all wrapped up in possession.

If I don't seek to "own" them, and they don't try to "own" me, then they don't see it as "real", as deserving of attention, as having any "serious" feelings, it's all just casual that they can take as they please without giving anything back.

It's very difficult to find other people who understand love and attachment without possession. Sometimes loving without possession is an isolating, lonely place. Where one can feel that one is pouring love into a well with no bottom and never drawing any water back up for oneself.

But loving without possession also means that I am myself even without them, because my identity is not wrapped up in being part of a "couple". My identity is apart from who they are and who we are together. That's the part that isolates and makes it easy to take for granted, but that's also the part that saves me from getting lost in someone else.

[blackestdarkness]

Thank you for your well thought-out reply. I'm really quiet and shy in person and tend to isolate myself from people in general which makes it hard for me to meet people. Without getting into all the ins and outs of my relationships I just spent the last 10 years in a monogamous one. Though it's complicated and that's the simplest way to put it. I gave all of myself and lost myself. So trying now to rediscover who I am.

One of my first relationships really turned me on to the writing of Khalil Gibran and the quote "Love possesses not nor will it be possessed, for love is sufficient unto love." I'm really a free spirit despite my quirks. I think I'm going to have to get used to being alone and learn to enjoy it.

May I repost your original entry into my own journal? I'll give credit. I only have like 2 people that read it regularly. You were able to say exactly what I feel and I want it for my own future reference.

[joreth]

Sure, you can quote me in your journal.

And we used a quote from Khalil Gibran as part of our wedding ceremony. He's a good one for understanding the difference between love and possession.

It's a good idea to get used to being alone and to learning to like yourself even when you're by yourself. But also don't lose hope - there *are* others of us out there who understand "interdependence" - a partnership without possession, a connectedness of two individuals. You may yet someday find people like that who you connect with on an intimate level.