Entry tags:
Friendly Exes
I appear to be at odds with much of society in my handling of breakups. It's not even a poly thing, since I've had this method from the very beginning.
I like to be friends with my exes. There are 2 reasons for this. The first is an emotional reason. I started dating a given person for a reason - I liked them. I believe in the natural evolution of relationships - that over time, relationships evolve into different dynamics. Even relationships that last for years and years have different dynamics over the years. Where I seem to differ from a lot of people is that I believe that the end of a romantic connection is merely one possible dynamic evolution and it doesn't necessarily mean the entire relationship has to end. There are many different facets to relationships and I just don't see why friendships can't be maintained in many cases. Yes, sometimes there is some adjustment to get through while we work out the emotional pain of the breakup.
But if I started dating someone because I think they are honorable, like the same movies as me, likes to share hobbies with me, has the same political views as me, whatever, then the fact that we have different relationship and/or communication styles which makes a romantic relationship difficult doesn't change that the person is still honorable, likes the same movies, likes to share hobbies, has the same political views, whatever. Someone has to completely destroy my respect in them as a human being for me to want no contact at all with that person, and that's pretty difficult to do. Abusers and serial killers, for instance, would fall into that category, but I have yet to date them (that I know of).
The other reason is very practical. My partners are often people I meet through work or through social situations. This means that even if we break up, we will still come in contact with each other through work or parties. In order to prevent myself from being fired or forcing my friends to not invite me to things, it is in my best interest to remain civil with my exes. So, I do. In a worst-case scenario, I am perfectly capable of remaining polite in the presence of an ex, providing we both agree to not speak to each other other than what is necessary. I can treat someone I don't like with the very minimal respect I would give to a perfect stranger that I have no interest in getting to know on a personal level. Fortunately, this happens extremely rarely in my life.
So, the problem I come up against is many people are not used to someone who remains genuine friends with her exes. I have noticed that some of us have a tendency to be not-invited to events because people are concerned about any potential awkwardness or drama that might ensue if one of us just happens to be merely in the presence of the other.
I find this extremely frustrating.
Now, I don't expect my friends to be able to keep up with everyone's love life at all times. Some of my friends have asked me when they found out about the breakup "So, are you two friendly with each other then? No problems being at parties together?" and that's understandable. Better to check up front.
But I think it's horribly unfair of the couple doing the breakup to expect their friends to choose between them, and for those mutual friends to have to decide which one they want to invite to any given event. It's also quite unfair to the person being left out of the social activity when the mutual friend makes the decision to pick one over the other without even finding out if there might be drama or not.
I prefer to handle my events this way:
I want to throw a party. I make an announcement using Evite or a group mailing list or an email with all invitees listed in the TO: field. This puts the guest list in a public forum and allows everyone to see who else is invited and for them to choose to absent themselves or not. Some people have cautioned me that this may bring two troublemakers into contact with each other if neither one backs out of the event. My reply to that is, the friend that cannot be civil at my party will soon find themselves not invited to future parties - not because I am taking sides over the breakup, but because he or she is causing trouble. The reason for the causing trouble is really kind of irrelevant - I'd stop inviting someone who routinely gets drunk and verbally abusive to my guests too. This method has worked just fine for years. I treat my friends like adults who are capable of making their own decisions, not like recalcitrant children or![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
tacit's parent's pets who have to be kept separated because they can't behave.
I'm sorry, I just never understood having custody battles over the mutual friends and visitation rights over the favorite restaurants. I am friends with my exes, to varying degrees. I can go to large parties, nightclubs, restaurants, even small gatherings with most of them. I can have phone conversations and keep up with each other's lives. Just because we decided we were incompatible as romantic partners does not mean that we hate each other, and in general I don't understand why those two concepts should automatically go hand in hand. And I am frustrated with people who do think they go hand in hand (mainly because they keep witnessing messy breakups, which further frustrates me) and therefore go around not-inviting their friends simply because the ex has already been invited.
So do yourselves a favor and simply check with your friends first before assuming and then compartmentalizing the guest list and then being careful not to mention this or that event in the wrong person's hearing. And learn how to get along socially with your exes so your friends don't have to not-invite you.
But if I started dating someone because I think they are honorable, like the same movies as me, likes to share hobbies with me, has the same political views as me, whatever, then the fact that we have different relationship and/or communication styles which makes a romantic relationship difficult doesn't change that the person is still honorable, likes the same movies, likes to share hobbies, has the same political views, whatever. Someone has to completely destroy my respect in them as a human being for me to want no contact at all with that person, and that's pretty difficult to do. Abusers and serial killers, for instance, would fall into that category, but I have yet to date them (that I know of).
The other reason is very practical. My partners are often people I meet through work or through social situations. This means that even if we break up, we will still come in contact with each other through work or parties. In order to prevent myself from being fired or forcing my friends to not invite me to things, it is in my best interest to remain civil with my exes. So, I do. In a worst-case scenario, I am perfectly capable of remaining polite in the presence of an ex, providing we both agree to not speak to each other other than what is necessary. I can treat someone I don't like with the very minimal respect I would give to a perfect stranger that I have no interest in getting to know on a personal level. Fortunately, this happens extremely rarely in my life.
So, the problem I come up against is many people are not used to someone who remains genuine friends with her exes. I have noticed that some of us have a tendency to be not-invited to events because people are concerned about any potential awkwardness or drama that might ensue if one of us just happens to be merely in the presence of the other.
I find this extremely frustrating.
Now, I don't expect my friends to be able to keep up with everyone's love life at all times. Some of my friends have asked me when they found out about the breakup "So, are you two friendly with each other then? No problems being at parties together?" and that's understandable. Better to check up front.
But I think it's horribly unfair of the couple doing the breakup to expect their friends to choose between them, and for those mutual friends to have to decide which one they want to invite to any given event. It's also quite unfair to the person being left out of the social activity when the mutual friend makes the decision to pick one over the other without even finding out if there might be drama or not.
I prefer to handle my events this way:
I want to throw a party. I make an announcement using Evite or a group mailing list or an email with all invitees listed in the TO: field. This puts the guest list in a public forum and allows everyone to see who else is invited and for them to choose to absent themselves or not. Some people have cautioned me that this may bring two troublemakers into contact with each other if neither one backs out of the event. My reply to that is, the friend that cannot be civil at my party will soon find themselves not invited to future parties - not because I am taking sides over the breakup, but because he or she is causing trouble. The reason for the causing trouble is really kind of irrelevant - I'd stop inviting someone who routinely gets drunk and verbally abusive to my guests too. This method has worked just fine for years. I treat my friends like adults who are capable of making their own decisions, not like recalcitrant children or
tacit's parent's pets who have to be kept separated because they can't behave.I'm sorry, I just never understood having custody battles over the mutual friends and visitation rights over the favorite restaurants. I am friends with my exes, to varying degrees. I can go to large parties, nightclubs, restaurants, even small gatherings with most of them. I can have phone conversations and keep up with each other's lives. Just because we decided we were incompatible as romantic partners does not mean that we hate each other, and in general I don't understand why those two concepts should automatically go hand in hand. And I am frustrated with people who do think they go hand in hand (mainly because they keep witnessing messy breakups, which further frustrates me) and therefore go around not-inviting their friends simply because the ex has already been invited.
So do yourselves a favor and simply check with your friends first before assuming and then compartmentalizing the guest list and then being careful not to mention this or that event in the wrong person's hearing. And learn how to get along socially with your exes so your friends don't have to not-invite you.
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I am a strong believer in maintaining friendships as well - even distantly, because there was SOMETHING that made you get along at one point. It doesn't just die.
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What an excellent point!
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That sounds very much like my standard break up pattern - even moreso than losing lovers I hate losing friends.
All but two of my exes will still happily talk to me, and the two that don't, although I understand their reasoning I don't agree with it. Those two break ups are still very fresh and raw, so I'm hoping that some degree of sense may prevail in the future and we can see eye to eye again.
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(Anonymous) 2008-01-10 12:46 am (UTC)(link)Of course, that has something to do with the fact that I'm idiotically lucky, but I think it also has to do with the fact that I'm not an idiot. Yeah, relationships change, relationships end, often for the better. And I'm sure there are some situations in which a bad breakup is the best possible option.
What I don't get is people's willingness to wax hateful about the bitch/asshole they used to spend a lot of time going down on. I mean, what does it say about you if you were stupid enough to get involved with the bitch/asshole in the first place? Shit happens, of course, but when it does, I wouldn't want to proclaim to the world that it happened to me.
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Of course, that has something to do with the fact that I'm idiotically lucky, but I think it also has to do with the fact that I'm not an idiot. Yeah, relationships change, relationships end, often for the better. And I'm sure there are some situations in which a bad breakup is the best possible option.
What I don't get is people's willingness to wax hateful about the bitch/asshole they used to spend a lot of time going down on. I mean, what does it say about you if you were stupid enough to get involved with the bitch/asshole in the first place? Shit happens, of course, but when it does, I wouldn't want to proclaim to the world that it happened to me.
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heh, that's kinda funny, since that's partly the reason why I don't go around waxing poetic about my relationships when they're going well ... when they inevitably end, I don't want to look like the fool who was taken in.
Not that I don't speak well of my relationships, but I tend to talk more in abstract and about past relationships than to give many details about present ones, other than to mention that things are going well and leave it at that.
Sexual prowess, however, I can speak freely about, because even when the relationship ends disasterously, regardless of how I feel about him as a person, I can still admit that he was good in bed while we were dating and that doesn't reflect upon my ability to be "duped" or obtuse about his character. So I don't feel uncomfortable claiming when someone is good in bed presently, knowing I won't feel like I have to take it back if the relationship ends, unlike the state of some ex's characters.