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Monogamous Mindset Musings
I've had two discussions recently with people who are very, very typical of the Monogamous Mindset and it's got me thinking. These are just some jumbled, random thoughts that I'm getting out onto print to help organize them. I don't know if I have any sort of point or important message. I guess I'm just processing.
Situation 1:
I had a friend I'll call Tom. I was mildly interested in him for a while, and he seemed to be accepting of the whole poly idea, but I was skeptical of his ability to handle open and responsible inclusive relationships. We didn't talk for a while, but eventually got back in touch with each other. In the interim, he found a girlfriend. By the time we got back in touch, the relationship was either over (and doing the break-up-get-back-together thing) or about to be over. I'm a little fuzzy on that. But the point is that, although she was totally fucked up (according to him, of course), he was equally fucked up in his own way. Since I had no contact with her, I could only give constructive advice on what *he* should do (given only after he asked, I got sick of giving unsolicited advice years ago). And it was my opinion that he fucked up.
Part of his fucking up was that he tends to pick women who are more fucked up than he is in order to avoid working on his own issues. He thinks that, by supporting her through her issues, she will return the favor and help him through his and that he can't do the work by himself. But the clincher here is that she's fucked up. So of course she doesn't help him, and even if she wants to, she can't because she lacks the tools to be constructive.
Here's where I get to the Monogamous Mindset part. I shouldn't have to say this, but I will. I DO NOT MEAN THAT ALL MONOGAMOUS PEOPLE ARE LIKE THIS. I am referring to a particular set of beliefs and behaviours that go along with the Myth of Monogamy, not the beliefs or behaviours of people who are actually just hardwired monogamous or who have looked at all the options and consciously chosen monogamy. I mean the perpetuated untruths that our society as a whole continues to follow.
Greta Christina writes a blog entry about how believing in a mistaken idea is harmful just because it's mistaken, even if the idea itself is not harmful. It's harmful because it causes people to make predictions and actions based on a faulty premise. Her entry is about religion, but I think this concept applies across the board.
If you believe that monogamy is the only "right" way, that your partner is somehow a possession of yours, that you have a right to their time and their thoughts, that you can't love more than one person, that if you have sexual feelings for someone other than your partner you no longer love that partner, that your relationship is threatened by someone else's presence, that your partner is someone who can be "stolen" away from you by another person, that jealousy is a natural extension of love or that absence of it proves you don't love, that you are only lovable for something you do and that anyone else who can do that same thing makes you not special and not worthy of love, or that no one else could possibly love you but this one person, then you will behave in a manner that compliments these beliefs. If these beliefs are faulty, then your behaviour will be harmful because it is based upon something that is not true.
The Monogamous Mindset is a collection of beliefs based upon a set of faulty premises. People with this Mindset operate under these faulty premises and conduct their relationships in a manner that complies with these faulty premises. Then they wonder why things go wrong. But they don't really wonder too hard, because that requres self analysis and work. No, really what they do is bemoan their state in life and go about making the same mistakes by blindly following these premises without any sort of understanding of who they are, what they want, and what they are doing.
The part of the Monogamous Mindset that I'm looking at today is the Starvation Model Of Love idea. One of the more pervasive ideas is that love is rare in general and that love is even more rare FOR YOU because you suck. No one will want you because you're unlovable, so if you do find someone who expresses any sort of interest, you better latch on for life. If you don't, you will never find another and you will spend your life alone.
Popular, confident, self-assured people have this mindset too. It's not limited to social pariahs. If you really believe that you will not find another lover or sexual partner, you do things like accept abuse, or even just learn to close our eyes and put up with someone who is just not compatible with you, even if they're not a "bad" person. Many times, people even believe that those things they dislike about the relationship are the way relationships are "supposed to be".
Our culture is saturated with this concept. We are force-fed images of lazy slob husbands whom the women have to accept that this is just what a husband turns into after the marriage and that it's acceptable to discontinue the romance, the communication, the simple gestures that made the wives love the men in the first place. We see images of matriarchal, controlling, overbearing women who dictate who their partner's friends are, what kind of job they have, what kind of life they have. How many people have heard things like "Rule #1: the man is always wrong. Rule #2, if the man isn't wrong, see Rule #1"? Men are taught the phrase "yes dear" and to always say "I'm sorry" even if they didn't do anything. These kinds of behaviours ultimately come from the idea that you are supposed to get married and you are supposed to latch onto the first person who comes your way, who will not actually be compatible with you, but you won't find any other because love is too rare to happen every day, so just shut up and put out, even if it means completely changing who you are (or pretending to be someone else) in order to keep that person.
So, back to Tom. In the course of our discussions, I continued to berate him for the stupid things he had done in the relationship that got him to where he was. He continuously tried to defend himself by pointing out all the stupid and horrible things she had done. Finally I asked him why he stayed with someone who was that horrible of a person. After much prodding, it finally came out that he hadn't had a girlfriend in a while and she was the only one to show interest in him, so he dated her.
I pointed out that he routinely goes a year or more being reclusive, avoiding social situations and refusing to meet people online. Then, after his celebacy starts to wear on him, he snags the first girl he notices making any sort of advances towards him. And she's always fucked up so he retreats again for another year, hiding in his self-loathing and his fear and pain.
I also pointed out that *I* had been interested in him and he blew me off. Somehow, he totally didn't get that I was interested in him. I asked him what part of making out with him was unclear. I told him that 1) the idea that love is rare was a faulty premise to begin with and 2) he probably did have girls interested in him, but the combination of his reclusiveness and girls' habit of being coy and subtle and giving "hints" without outright saying what they want, probably contributed to him just not noticing.
So he had a similar conversation with another female friend who also admitted to having liked him in the past but gave up when he didn't seem to return the interest. He now has to either face his assumptions and his insecurities about never finding another girl to like him and change how he thinks and behaves with a new premise, or he can continue to ignore it and make all the same mistakes over and over again.
I hope he learns something.
Situation 2:
One of my ex-partners, who I'll call John, only became an ex-partner because he refused to get an STD test (one of the few times I took a new partner before getting the test results - but I had no other partners at the time who would pay for my lapse of good judgement). The "ex" part was supposed to be temporary until he took the tests, but he avoided it indefinately until I gave up. Apparently he gave up too because he found another girlfriend, who is mongamous.
He called me a few days ago ranting and raving about all the stupid "monogamous bullshit" she was pulling and he was going to call her and break up with her. He really didn't seem to like her all that much. After we stopped having sex and right up through this particular conversation, he and I continued to flirt with each other. This is normal ... he's a co-worker and as I've said many times before, flirting is very common in my business. Taking on this new girlfriend did not stop his flirting with me in the slightest, we just no longer took our statements as promises.
So, a couple days later, I see that his messenger service is on mobile, going to his phone. I send him a flirty message to the effect of "too bad we can't anymore, otherwise I would...". Then I find out that not only did he not break up with her, he's engaged, he's given her all his passwords to all his accounts (phone, email, computer login, etc.), and she saw the message before he did and threw a huge fit. This prompted him to respond by telling me I was no longer allowed to flirt with him because it hurts her feelings and he's having enough trouble trying to keep her placated because his other friends are "giving her shit".
There are just so many things wrong with this scenario. He's not telling me that *he* doesn't appreciate my flirting, he's only trying to do damage control to keep this girl in his life. A girl who, apparently, has a different view of how a relationship should be conducted than he does. They didn't even like each other when they first met 2 freakin' months ago. Now they're engaged and he has to change his own behaviour and either ask his friends to change their behaviour or lose them as friends.
I have no idea why people stay in relationships like this. She doesn't trust him and she's controlling his behaviour to make him into someone she can trust. Why is she with someone she doesn't trust? Their relationship is so fragile that flirting with no intention of following through is damaging to the relationship.
I just read a totaly unrelated blog who used the phrase "I have always called it relationship inertia - it takes more effort to stop the trip you are on that it does to just ride it out." I love that and I think it's quite apropriate. I plan to use this in the future. Monogamous Mindset people seem to get into relationships with people they don't like because they're afraid to be alone, afraid no one else will have them. So they live in misery. These are the only two options for these people, live in misery with someone they don't like or live in misery alone.
All I can say is that I'm glad my world doesn't look like that.
I had a friend I'll call Tom. I was mildly interested in him for a while, and he seemed to be accepting of the whole poly idea, but I was skeptical of his ability to handle open and responsible inclusive relationships. We didn't talk for a while, but eventually got back in touch with each other. In the interim, he found a girlfriend. By the time we got back in touch, the relationship was either over (and doing the break-up-get-back-together thing) or about to be over. I'm a little fuzzy on that. But the point is that, although she was totally fucked up (according to him, of course), he was equally fucked up in his own way. Since I had no contact with her, I could only give constructive advice on what *he* should do (given only after he asked, I got sick of giving unsolicited advice years ago). And it was my opinion that he fucked up.
Part of his fucking up was that he tends to pick women who are more fucked up than he is in order to avoid working on his own issues. He thinks that, by supporting her through her issues, she will return the favor and help him through his and that he can't do the work by himself. But the clincher here is that she's fucked up. So of course she doesn't help him, and even if she wants to, she can't because she lacks the tools to be constructive.
Here's where I get to the Monogamous Mindset part. I shouldn't have to say this, but I will. I DO NOT MEAN THAT ALL MONOGAMOUS PEOPLE ARE LIKE THIS. I am referring to a particular set of beliefs and behaviours that go along with the Myth of Monogamy, not the beliefs or behaviours of people who are actually just hardwired monogamous or who have looked at all the options and consciously chosen monogamy. I mean the perpetuated untruths that our society as a whole continues to follow.
Greta Christina writes a blog entry about how believing in a mistaken idea is harmful just because it's mistaken, even if the idea itself is not harmful. It's harmful because it causes people to make predictions and actions based on a faulty premise. Her entry is about religion, but I think this concept applies across the board.
If you believe that monogamy is the only "right" way, that your partner is somehow a possession of yours, that you have a right to their time and their thoughts, that you can't love more than one person, that if you have sexual feelings for someone other than your partner you no longer love that partner, that your relationship is threatened by someone else's presence, that your partner is someone who can be "stolen" away from you by another person, that jealousy is a natural extension of love or that absence of it proves you don't love, that you are only lovable for something you do and that anyone else who can do that same thing makes you not special and not worthy of love, or that no one else could possibly love you but this one person, then you will behave in a manner that compliments these beliefs. If these beliefs are faulty, then your behaviour will be harmful because it is based upon something that is not true.
The Monogamous Mindset is a collection of beliefs based upon a set of faulty premises. People with this Mindset operate under these faulty premises and conduct their relationships in a manner that complies with these faulty premises. Then they wonder why things go wrong. But they don't really wonder too hard, because that requres self analysis and work. No, really what they do is bemoan their state in life and go about making the same mistakes by blindly following these premises without any sort of understanding of who they are, what they want, and what they are doing.
The part of the Monogamous Mindset that I'm looking at today is the Starvation Model Of Love idea. One of the more pervasive ideas is that love is rare in general and that love is even more rare FOR YOU because you suck. No one will want you because you're unlovable, so if you do find someone who expresses any sort of interest, you better latch on for life. If you don't, you will never find another and you will spend your life alone.
Popular, confident, self-assured people have this mindset too. It's not limited to social pariahs. If you really believe that you will not find another lover or sexual partner, you do things like accept abuse, or even just learn to close our eyes and put up with someone who is just not compatible with you, even if they're not a "bad" person. Many times, people even believe that those things they dislike about the relationship are the way relationships are "supposed to be".
Our culture is saturated with this concept. We are force-fed images of lazy slob husbands whom the women have to accept that this is just what a husband turns into after the marriage and that it's acceptable to discontinue the romance, the communication, the simple gestures that made the wives love the men in the first place. We see images of matriarchal, controlling, overbearing women who dictate who their partner's friends are, what kind of job they have, what kind of life they have. How many people have heard things like "Rule #1: the man is always wrong. Rule #2, if the man isn't wrong, see Rule #1"? Men are taught the phrase "yes dear" and to always say "I'm sorry" even if they didn't do anything. These kinds of behaviours ultimately come from the idea that you are supposed to get married and you are supposed to latch onto the first person who comes your way, who will not actually be compatible with you, but you won't find any other because love is too rare to happen every day, so just shut up and put out, even if it means completely changing who you are (or pretending to be someone else) in order to keep that person.
So, back to Tom. In the course of our discussions, I continued to berate him for the stupid things he had done in the relationship that got him to where he was. He continuously tried to defend himself by pointing out all the stupid and horrible things she had done. Finally I asked him why he stayed with someone who was that horrible of a person. After much prodding, it finally came out that he hadn't had a girlfriend in a while and she was the only one to show interest in him, so he dated her.
I pointed out that he routinely goes a year or more being reclusive, avoiding social situations and refusing to meet people online. Then, after his celebacy starts to wear on him, he snags the first girl he notices making any sort of advances towards him. And she's always fucked up so he retreats again for another year, hiding in his self-loathing and his fear and pain.
I also pointed out that *I* had been interested in him and he blew me off. Somehow, he totally didn't get that I was interested in him. I asked him what part of making out with him was unclear. I told him that 1) the idea that love is rare was a faulty premise to begin with and 2) he probably did have girls interested in him, but the combination of his reclusiveness and girls' habit of being coy and subtle and giving "hints" without outright saying what they want, probably contributed to him just not noticing.
So he had a similar conversation with another female friend who also admitted to having liked him in the past but gave up when he didn't seem to return the interest. He now has to either face his assumptions and his insecurities about never finding another girl to like him and change how he thinks and behaves with a new premise, or he can continue to ignore it and make all the same mistakes over and over again.
I hope he learns something.
Situation 2:
One of my ex-partners, who I'll call John, only became an ex-partner because he refused to get an STD test (one of the few times I took a new partner before getting the test results - but I had no other partners at the time who would pay for my lapse of good judgement). The "ex" part was supposed to be temporary until he took the tests, but he avoided it indefinately until I gave up. Apparently he gave up too because he found another girlfriend, who is mongamous.
He called me a few days ago ranting and raving about all the stupid "monogamous bullshit" she was pulling and he was going to call her and break up with her. He really didn't seem to like her all that much. After we stopped having sex and right up through this particular conversation, he and I continued to flirt with each other. This is normal ... he's a co-worker and as I've said many times before, flirting is very common in my business. Taking on this new girlfriend did not stop his flirting with me in the slightest, we just no longer took our statements as promises.
So, a couple days later, I see that his messenger service is on mobile, going to his phone. I send him a flirty message to the effect of "too bad we can't anymore, otherwise I would...". Then I find out that not only did he not break up with her, he's engaged, he's given her all his passwords to all his accounts (phone, email, computer login, etc.), and she saw the message before he did and threw a huge fit. This prompted him to respond by telling me I was no longer allowed to flirt with him because it hurts her feelings and he's having enough trouble trying to keep her placated because his other friends are "giving her shit".
There are just so many things wrong with this scenario. He's not telling me that *he* doesn't appreciate my flirting, he's only trying to do damage control to keep this girl in his life. A girl who, apparently, has a different view of how a relationship should be conducted than he does. They didn't even like each other when they first met 2 freakin' months ago. Now they're engaged and he has to change his own behaviour and either ask his friends to change their behaviour or lose them as friends.
I have no idea why people stay in relationships like this. She doesn't trust him and she's controlling his behaviour to make him into someone she can trust. Why is she with someone she doesn't trust? Their relationship is so fragile that flirting with no intention of following through is damaging to the relationship.
I just read a totaly unrelated blog who used the phrase "I have always called it relationship inertia - it takes more effort to stop the trip you are on that it does to just ride it out." I love that and I think it's quite apropriate. I plan to use this in the future. Monogamous Mindset people seem to get into relationships with people they don't like because they're afraid to be alone, afraid no one else will have them. So they live in misery. These are the only two options for these people, live in misery with someone they don't like or live in misery alone.
All I can say is that I'm glad my world doesn't look like that.