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Almost 100% Track Record Of Being Stood Up By Online Dates
So far every single match online who was even a slight possibility has failed my second test (the first one being "can you even read?" with my bio having specific terminology).
As a "single" woman, a poly person, and someone who prefers kitchen table poly in particular, I prefer to meet people for the first time in social settings. I like meeting at parties and public events. The other person can even bring their friends with them. I realize this isn't common, but it's what I prefer to do.
This does several things - it keeps me safer from danger because I'm in a familiar setting with other people, it gives us both an "out" if we don't click. They have people they can talk to, I have people I can talk to, someone in the group is bound to be That Person who can keep even a limping conversation going, one of us can always leave early because we're not really "ditching" someone if they're there anyway for the event itself, if the other person sucks, we can use our friends as a buffer, etc.
And finally, it shows me just how comfortable they are with the idea of polyamory, or even just with someone being sociable and outgoing and having their own friends. I don't have a lot of free time, so I tend to combine activities so I can see the most amount of people in the shortest amount of time.
I also prefer for my partners to get along with each other, at least socially, if not become friends. So I want to see how well these prospectives handle meeting my friends. How well they handle me sharing or splitting my attention. I am not a beginner relationship. I throw people in the deep in right away because I don't have time or energy to teach them how to swim.
And I want my friends' opinions on the new guy because I don't trust rose colored glasses. I don't need my friends' "approval", but I want some independent verification. Plus, the social event is usually an activity that means a lot to me. How accommodating is he of the things I'm passionate about? How interested is he in the things I'm interested in?
I know that not everyone likes large social events, but that's a compatibility issue in its own right with me. If they really hate social events that much, we're not going to get along long-term. I also know that it's hard to have a more personal connection in these kinds of settings, but that's not what I'm looking for when I arrange them. I would have had to develop some kind of connection before even inviting them out. Now is the time for me to see if there is any real-life chemistry in a safe, controlled way.
And only then, if I don't instantly hate them on sight (something that happened to me when a guy I met online from out of town planned a week-long trip to meet me, which really sucked for both of us), I'll plan something more personal and intimate to get to know each other better.
And so far every single person (but 1) who has made it past the first test has failed this one. Every single person I agreed to meet from an online dating app has said they'd meet me at some public event and then failed to show up.
So, guys, when a woman you're interested in says that she is passionate about this thing, and she would like to meet you in this context, don't fuck that up. She is inviting you into her world in a way that gives her a feeling of control and safety. When a woman you know invites you to a thing she is really interested in, don't fuck that up. She is inviting you into her world, to share something with her that sparks joy in her life.
These are Bids For Attention. When Bids For Attention go unacknowledged, people pull away. When it happens enough times in proportion to the investment already made into the relationship, this will kill the relationship.
And for something that hasn't started yet, it really only takes once or twice. So now even guys I was actually interested in meeting are now off the table for me. They totally lost their chance by refusing (not being "unable", but *refusing*) to meet me under the circumstances I proposed.
Because it's not like I'm a passive communicator or someone who drops hints. I've said outright that this is how I prefer to meet people and why. Quickest way to kill any interest I might have in you is for you to ignore my Bids For Attention, to overlook my safety concerns, and to dismiss the things that I'm passionate about.
As a "single" woman, a poly person, and someone who prefers kitchen table poly in particular, I prefer to meet people for the first time in social settings. I like meeting at parties and public events. The other person can even bring their friends with them. I realize this isn't common, but it's what I prefer to do.
This does several things - it keeps me safer from danger because I'm in a familiar setting with other people, it gives us both an "out" if we don't click. They have people they can talk to, I have people I can talk to, someone in the group is bound to be That Person who can keep even a limping conversation going, one of us can always leave early because we're not really "ditching" someone if they're there anyway for the event itself, if the other person sucks, we can use our friends as a buffer, etc.
And finally, it shows me just how comfortable they are with the idea of polyamory, or even just with someone being sociable and outgoing and having their own friends. I don't have a lot of free time, so I tend to combine activities so I can see the most amount of people in the shortest amount of time.
I also prefer for my partners to get along with each other, at least socially, if not become friends. So I want to see how well these prospectives handle meeting my friends. How well they handle me sharing or splitting my attention. I am not a beginner relationship. I throw people in the deep in right away because I don't have time or energy to teach them how to swim.
And I want my friends' opinions on the new guy because I don't trust rose colored glasses. I don't need my friends' "approval", but I want some independent verification. Plus, the social event is usually an activity that means a lot to me. How accommodating is he of the things I'm passionate about? How interested is he in the things I'm interested in?
I know that not everyone likes large social events, but that's a compatibility issue in its own right with me. If they really hate social events that much, we're not going to get along long-term. I also know that it's hard to have a more personal connection in these kinds of settings, but that's not what I'm looking for when I arrange them. I would have had to develop some kind of connection before even inviting them out. Now is the time for me to see if there is any real-life chemistry in a safe, controlled way.
And only then, if I don't instantly hate them on sight (something that happened to me when a guy I met online from out of town planned a week-long trip to meet me, which really sucked for both of us), I'll plan something more personal and intimate to get to know each other better.
And so far every single person (but 1) who has made it past the first test has failed this one. Every single person I agreed to meet from an online dating app has said they'd meet me at some public event and then failed to show up.
So, guys, when a woman you're interested in says that she is passionate about this thing, and she would like to meet you in this context, don't fuck that up. She is inviting you into her world in a way that gives her a feeling of control and safety. When a woman you know invites you to a thing she is really interested in, don't fuck that up. She is inviting you into her world, to share something with her that sparks joy in her life.
These are Bids For Attention. When Bids For Attention go unacknowledged, people pull away. When it happens enough times in proportion to the investment already made into the relationship, this will kill the relationship.
And for something that hasn't started yet, it really only takes once or twice. So now even guys I was actually interested in meeting are now off the table for me. They totally lost their chance by refusing (not being "unable", but *refusing*) to meet me under the circumstances I proposed.
Because it's not like I'm a passive communicator or someone who drops hints. I've said outright that this is how I prefer to meet people and why. Quickest way to kill any interest I might have in you is for you to ignore my Bids For Attention, to overlook my safety concerns, and to dismiss the things that I'm passionate about.