Poly Book Club Assignment #2

[joreth]

 I'm WAY behind, but I finally have my first post about Love Without Limits:

Polyamory:  The New Love Without Limits
by Deborah Anapol

I originally read this book about 7 years ago, very shortly after discovering the word "polyamory".  I read the book and  highlighted it and made notes in the margins.  Then I would loan the book to prospective partners (who did not know what polyamory was) to explain it.  Back then, it was a valuable resource because I could explain both what polyamory was and what it meant to me personally.

But I'm a different person now.

I found the book to be still fairly valuable.  But part of the problem I had with the book is that I am about as far from New Age as you can get (whereas back then, I was more friendly towards it). 

The book covers topics like "What Is Polyamory: facts, definitions, forms", "The Ethics", "Is It Right For Me", "8 Steps To Successful Poly", "Jealousy As A Gatekeeper" and others.

For the most part, as long as I could ignore any reference to Tantra and other "spiritual polyamory", I still find this book to be a good, basic primer.  But I now take exception to all the sections and even subtle comments threaded throughout the book regarding Tantra and spirituality.  I would like to see a poly primer be able to separate itself out from the overlapping subcultures so that it can apply more universally and not give a newbie the impression while reading that all polyamorists are into Tantra or communing with their inner Goddesses or meet all their partners at sci-fi conventions or that joining the SCA is an integral part of being poly, or any other subculture that happens to strongly overlap with polyamorists.

I also think it was overly optimistic, dare I even say, naive, about the positive benefits on the world that polyamory has or could have.  While I whole-heartedly believe that the skills necessary to maintain poly relationships can benefit all other types of love-based relationships, that does not automatically make polyamory a relationship model that changes the world.  I hesitate to use phrases like "poly makes you a more evolved person" - because it doesn't.  You can still be insecure and possessive and not know yourself very well and engage in poly relationships, just like you can and be monogamous.  You will probably have a very low success rate, but you can still be "poly" and be insecure indefinately.  You can even be poly and *not* desire to become "more evolved", as the book states explicitly.  Monogamous people can also desire to become "more evolved" and never end up exploring polyamory. 

As with all relationships, the success and the benefits of the relationship depend more on the people involved than on the particular style or configuration.  There are plenty of stable familes raising children who aren't poly.  Some are monogamous nuclear families, some are single parents with extended family, some are divorced families.  And there are certainly plenty of poly families that *I* know of that aren't stable in the slightest!  And that's because of the people involved.

Her third optimistic point is that poly families are more ecologically responsible.  Again, this is not a side effect of being poly - it has to do with the people involved.  I don't live with any of my partners, so we have to do a lot of driving to see each other, and we all maintain separate households.  This is not ecologically responsible, but it's how our lifestyles work out the best for each of us at this time.  Being poly doesn't mean I automatically want to share my house and car.  In fact, being poly allows me to *not* share my house and car and other resources!

Polyamory can help promote more egalitarian social structures, but there are some poly families that prefer more "traditional" roles for each gender, where the men have the alpha position and the women stay home and raise the kids, etc.
 
Some things I liked about the book include the first chapter that emphasizes the positive aspects of polyamory, such as the responsibility part of "responsible non-monogamy", a look at the stats for the cheating monogamous world, an emphasis on the loving part of the multiple-relationships (to exclude casual swinging and casual sex), and a brief glimpse into various configurations.

It touches upon the ethics, giving a set of guidelines that includes honesty, consent, different forms of "commitment" that may or may not include sexual fidelity (specifically stating that "commitment" does not have to mean "til death do we part no matter what" but does mean long-term intentions of support), and respect for boundaries.

One thing that I particularly liked is that she categorizes different types of Jealousy, which can be very helpful for breaking down one's emotional response to an upsetting situation that might aid in attacking and defeating the negative emotional reactions.  Although I think the first category, Exclusion Jealousy, sounds more like "envy", but having a term and a category can be helpful elimination tools.  It's hard to fight something when you don't know what it is you're fighting.  Anapol also offers a technique called "systematic desensitization" to help manage jealousy which may work for some, but not necessarily for everyone.

Another bit I liked was in the section on Coming Out where she discusses the price to pay for remaining in the closet.  This is an issue I feel strongly about so I'm glad to see it mentioned here.  Some people may still feel the price is worth it, but at least this way, newbies get to see that there *is* a price, because many people will only see the price to pay for coming out, not staying closeted.

There is a line near the end of the book where she discusses how to "Build Your Tribe":  "My observation is that multiple partner lovestyles have much potential for both enhancing the dance of life and for wreaking havoc."  The overall tone of the book and the last chapter are obviously very for polyamory as a valid romantic relationship style, so the admittance of some of the drawbacks and negatives to polyamory is very important in preventing this book from being a completely worthless Free Love hippie philosophy that doesn't have any practical application.

She does seem somewhat negative on the ability of quad-style arrangements to work.  She mentions in two separate configuration-building categories that 4-people groups tend to self-select down to 3 people.  She also seems to insist that same-gender bonding must occur for the success of the relationship.  Her idea, I think, is to point out how damaging even the slightest homophobic tendencies can be, but I propose that a relationship does not need "bonding" as long as the same-gender members do not have negative views about their own gender.  For instance, I have not "bonded" with my other metamours, but I don't have any homophobic issues *and* I don't have any personal issues with the women specifically.  Therefore, there is no "bonding" necessary to maintain a happy configuration between the same-sex metamours.

So, my overall opinion of the book is that it is still the best (and possibly only?) poly primer out there, but I do have some serious reservations with Anapol's assumptions that spirituality and Tantra are an integral part of polyamory.  But, until something better comes along, I still recommend this book, with the caveat to take what one finds valuable and leave the rest.

Next book assigment:  Summer People by Marge Piercy, due March 15th.  Check us out at the Polyamory Book Club at Shelfari