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Damned If They Are, Damned If They Aren't
I used to only be interested in dating men who were already partnered, because it "showed" me that they weren't going to turn into cowboys because they already had other partners. They weren't going to take over my whole life and demand that I be their entire life. They had communication skills. They already knew how to manage their relationships.
After 20 years in the community, I am immediately turned off by any personals ad or "seeking" post from married men.
Men who are actively polyamorous and have (or have had) more partners than just their spouse don't write their posts the same way. I know many married poly men who are open to new connections. There's a *difference* in the way that they present themselves, and I'm still working on how to concisely elucidate that difference, because they sure as hell aren't *concealing* it either.
It's in the way they present themselves as married. For some people, being married is merely one trait among many, and they might refer to "having several partners" where one of those partners happens to be a spouse. But for others, it's like being married is part of their identity description - 45, 5'11, 180 lbs, married, blue eyes.
I'm still not explaining it. I just know that there are several people I know who are married who I would consider getting involved with if the conditions were right for it, but every post I see of a man who would otherwise be within my range of interest, as soon as he says he's married (which is usually right at the top), I'm disinterested and I scroll past.
And making that realization today, and for some reason being reminded that I used to deliberately look for partnered men, the dichotomy just struck me. I'm still dubious of single men, but now I'm dubious of married men too, which means, basically, that I don't trust men.
Which makes it really difficult to be straight.
After 20 years in the community, I am immediately turned off by any personals ad or "seeking" post from married men.
Men who are actively polyamorous and have (or have had) more partners than just their spouse don't write their posts the same way. I know many married poly men who are open to new connections. There's a *difference* in the way that they present themselves, and I'm still working on how to concisely elucidate that difference, because they sure as hell aren't *concealing* it either.
It's in the way they present themselves as married. For some people, being married is merely one trait among many, and they might refer to "having several partners" where one of those partners happens to be a spouse. But for others, it's like being married is part of their identity description - 45, 5'11, 180 lbs, married, blue eyes.
I'm still not explaining it. I just know that there are several people I know who are married who I would consider getting involved with if the conditions were right for it, but every post I see of a man who would otherwise be within my range of interest, as soon as he says he's married (which is usually right at the top), I'm disinterested and I scroll past.
And making that realization today, and for some reason being reminded that I used to deliberately look for partnered men, the dichotomy just struck me. I'm still dubious of single men, but now I'm dubious of married men too, which means, basically, that I don't trust men.
Which makes it really difficult to be straight.