Yep, you're right, the people I tend to have this conversation with are not understanding that a "framework" does not mean "obeys the sub" in a literal, pedantic sense. That's where I was going with the commissioned playwright analogy. The Dom is still writing the scene, still in charge of the details and still directing the course of events, they're just doing it with, as you said, a framework in place - things that they absolutely can't do, things that they know the sub would like to experience and so probably try to write at least some of those things in, and things that are iffy so they have to use their best judgment in the moment whether to go there or not.
DSDs tend to be people (guys, in my experience, since I'm straight) who kinda sorta think they want a subby experience, but who have no idea what that is, so they become surprised when they meet a real, flesh and blood person who needs actual data to give them that experience. It reminds me of people who have had no sexual experience other than watching mainstream, softcore porn get when it comes time to get busy with a real person, and suddenly they're all confused when their partner asks for condoms or lube or clothespins or doesn't like oral or wants to give them a rim job or queefs or can't stay aroused or has to stop to go to the bathroom or their leg falls asleep because their porn didn't prepare them for the realities of sex so they just have no idea how *big* the question "can we have sex?" is.
Like, what kind of sex? I dunno, just sex! Be more specific. Sex is sex! Just, have sex! You'll still have to narrow it down for me.
I remember one time (and I've told this story before), a bunch of people at work were asking me questions about BDSM, and one guy was getting more and more uncomfortable and finally blurted out "I don't do all that kinky shit. The most I do is anal." So I said, "you like anal? Great! I've got a strap on in the car, let's go!"
He backed up, hands in the air, palms facing me, and stammered "no, I didn't mean on me! I meant on her!!" I said "well, you didn't specify!" It's that kind of cluelessness. Naivete might be a more charitable description. It simply didn't occur to that guy that both of them had anuses that one would have to specify which one got penetrated. In his mind, the default is that his is off-limits, so he didn't even think about needing to express that boundary. So I deliberately pushed on that boundary to make a point.
I don't read minds. It's fine to not know what one wants, especially if one is new to something. It's not fine to just expect me to come up with all the answers, or to expect all those answers to be correct. We will both have a much more pleasant experience if we talk about boundaries first (as I'm sure you understand!).
no subject
DSDs tend to be people (guys, in my experience, since I'm straight) who kinda sorta think they want a subby experience, but who have no idea what that is, so they become surprised when they meet a real, flesh and blood person who needs actual data to give them that experience. It reminds me of people who have had no sexual experience other than watching mainstream, softcore porn get when it comes time to get busy with a real person, and suddenly they're all confused when their partner asks for condoms or lube or clothespins or doesn't like oral or wants to give them a rim job or queefs or can't stay aroused or has to stop to go to the bathroom or their leg falls asleep because their porn didn't prepare them for the realities of sex so they just have no idea how *big* the question "can we have sex?" is.
Like, what kind of sex?
I dunno, just sex!
Be more specific.
Sex is sex! Just, have sex!
You'll still have to narrow it down for me.
I remember one time (and I've told this story before), a bunch of people at work were asking me questions about BDSM, and one guy was getting more and more uncomfortable and finally blurted out "I don't do all that kinky shit. The most I do is anal." So I said, "you like anal? Great! I've got a strap on in the car, let's go!"
He backed up, hands in the air, palms facing me, and stammered "no, I didn't mean on me! I meant on her!!" I said "well, you didn't specify!" It's that kind of cluelessness. Naivete might be a more charitable description. It simply didn't occur to that guy that both of them had anuses that one would have to specify which one got penetrated. In his mind, the default is that his is off-limits, so he didn't even think about needing to express that boundary. So I deliberately pushed on that boundary to make a point.
I don't read minds. It's fine to not know what one wants, especially if one is new to something. It's not fine to just expect me to come up with all the answers, or to expect all those answers to be correct. We will both have a much more pleasant experience if we talk about boundaries first (as I'm sure you understand!).